"Abe: We've got a nightclub, movies, swimming pool, steam room, massage table, discotheque, bridge, amateur night, and free blood tests every Wednesday."

"Man in Elevator: There's a reason some of us don't ride the subway. I'm looking right at it."

"Brick: One of those transvestites is standing right next to me. I can't talk now, I think he's surrounding me for unnatural things! And: See anything you like, Bud?"

"Customer: Did they ever put you on 4? It's Siberia up there!"

"There will be an orgy beginning in room 340 in exactly 4 minutes! Orgy in 340, 4 minutes!"

"It's like some strange heterosexual gypsy curse was put on this place!"

"I'm going straight."

"If you're not down in my room in five minutes, then I'm gonna come up here and break your knees!"

"Jelly roll, baby! You're my jelly roll man!"

"Chubby chaser. Hey, that's pretty funny. Unless you happen to be the chubby they're chasing."

"Do I look like someone who would try to pass a bad check? Yeah? Yeah, of course I do!"

"[amazed] Ronald Reagan?!"

"Who the hell was that?!"

"Plastic Puerto Ricans!"

"Some day, you're going to see the name of Googie Gomez in lights and you're going to say to yourself [gasps] was that her? And you're gonna answer to yourself, [gasps] that was her! But you know something, mister? I was always her, just that nobody knows it!"

"[after kissing Proclo] Oh, my boyfriend Hectar see me do that, he kill you with a knife this big! [touches her elbow]"

"[screams and curses in Spanish] My hairs! Not my hairs!"

"No rain, he tells me. No rain, he says. No rain! Fucking weather man!"

"Birdie Num Num"

"Allen Jung — Cook"

"Kathe Green — Molly Clutterbuck"

"Paul Ferrara — Ronnie Smith"

"Danielle De Metz — Stella D'Angelo"

"Frances Davis — Maid"

"Dick Crockett — Wells"

"Corinne Cole — Janice Kane"

"Al Checco — Bernard Stein"

"Marge Champion — Rosalind Dunphy"

"Jean Carson — Nanny"

"Natalia Borisova — Ballerina"

"Steve Franken — Levinson (drunk waiter)"

"James Lanphier — Harry (head waiter)"

"Gavin MacLeod — C. S. Divot"

"Herbert Ellis — Director"

"Claudine Longet — Michele Monet"

"Peter Sellers — Hrundi V. Bakshi"

"If you've ever been to a wilder party... you're under arrest"

"Howdy partiner"

"Wisdom is the province of the aged, but the heart of a child is pure."

"Thirty days have September, October, June and February, all the rest have 29, except my brother who got six months."

"[singing] Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree..."

"The original, classic, theatrical release."

"Chicken: Cluck, cluck...Oh fuck, missed me cue."

"Narrator: Labia and Testiculi, destined to be joined together."

"Sampson: What would I want with a beautiful young thing when I've got you, eh?"

"Charlie:You are going to fight him and that's that, there's no way out of it! When your God tells you to beat the shit out of somebody, you do it. That's when religion is all about!"

"Sprocket: You couldn't organize a fart at a curry-eating contest!"