"[confronting Cliff when he's trying to escape being caught for his schemes] Cliff, it's time for you and me to "interface". [Pounds his fist into his hand]"

"[Pearl asks him if he's lost weight] Have we met?"

"[Dino takes a steak from the grill] Hey Barn, you like your steak rare, right? Well, that one's yours."

"[Wilma tells him his secretary is very attractive] Really? I didn't notice. Did I mention she could chisel 18 words a minute?"

"Fred is the greatest bowler on Earth! [The dictabird repeats what he says] Okay, now you talk and see how much I can remember."

"Mr. Slate, I don't think you hired me just to sit here and look pretty. [he picks up a model house] I hate to burst your bubble, but if you build houses this small, who is going to live in them?"

"[Miss Stone asks him how he'd like his coffee] Uhh, in a cup."

"[Barney asks him what to call him now] Simply your highness will do."

"Afraid? Now let's get this straight, Rubble. I don't need permission from my wife. In my cave, I reign supreme. SUPREME! [Barney promises not to tell Wilma] Thanks, pal!"

"Shy. Sensitive. Law-abiding. Polite. Respectful. - I don't think so."

"For this cat burglar, nine lives may just not be enough."

"Catch the excitement. Catch the laughter. Catch the Hawk."

"Cardinal (in a confessional) Hit me with your best shot."

"Cardinal The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists. We will not lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey."

"(his dying words) MY PENSION!"

"We blow up space shuttles for breakfast. You and your friend Tommy are nothing more than... a late afternoon Triscuit. Ciao."

"Punks. They think that the "Bay of Pigs" is an herbal tea and that the Cold War has something to do with penguins."

"God, I miss Communism. The Red threat. People were scared, the Agency had some respect, and I got laid every night."

"Eureka, motherfuckers!"

"Bunny, ball ball."

"History, tradition, culture... are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with this machine will be our final masterpiece!"

"If Da Vinci were alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked, in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us."

"I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom!"

"I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career."

"Money isn't everything - gold is. Fuck T-bills! Fuck blue chip stocks! Fuck junk bonds! We've got the real deal! Money will always be paper, but gold will always be GOLD!"

"This might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular Joe. I just want to be happy. And happiness comes from the achievement of goals. It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of 19, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones! But finally, I've got myself a new goal: WORLD DOMINATION!"

"What can I tell you? I'm the villain."

"(drugged) I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow. What does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows! (laughs) I must speak with the dolphins now. Eeeee-eeee-eee-eeeeeee!"

"That doughnut-hole-eating, son-of-a-bitch, take-it-in-the-ear-for-a-beer, rat bastard!"

"[after decapitating Alfred] You won't be attending that hat convention in July!"

"Hey! Old Man! Yeah, you! You come back here without your little Cub Scout army, and I'll kick your Centrally Intelligent Ass up one side of the piazza and down the other!"

"Hi, I'm being blackmailed into robbing Vatican City by a psychotic American corporation and the C.I.A.."

"How am I driving? 1-800-I'm-gonna-fucking-die!"

"If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, "Kiss my ass." But considering your status, I will say, "Slurp my butt.""

"Donald Burton - Alfred"

"Sandra Bernhard - Minerva Mayflower"

"Richard E. Grant - Darwin Mayflower"

"Andie MacDowell - Anna Baragli"

"Danny Aiello - Tommy Five-Tone"

"James Coburn - George Kaplan"

"Bruce Willis - Hudson Hawk"

"Watch your step. Hold your breath. Hang on for dear life. And catch...the hawk."

"Catch the Excitement. Catch the Adventure. Catch the Hawk."

"Rob Schneider as Nazo"

"Leslie Mann as Corinne Maloney"

"Jon Stewart as Kevin Gerrity"

"Joey Lauren Adams as Layla Maloney"