"Maybe it was because it was my birthday. Maybe it was seeing Cindy Jo. I don't know. But all morning I'd been thinking about what it would have been like if my life had turned out differently."

"How well do you remember 1970?"

"Pedro Cerrano: Is very bad to steal Jobu's rum... Is very bad."

"Dennis Haysbert - Pedro Cerrano"

"Chelcie Ross - Eddie Harris"

"Bob Uecker - Harry Doyle"

"James Gammon - Lou Brown"

"Margaret Whitton - Rachel Phelps"

"Corbin Bernsen - Roger Dorn"

"Rene Russo - Lynn Wells"

"Wesley Snipes - Willie Mays Hays"

"Charlie Sheen - Rick Vaughn"

"Tom Berenger - Jake Taylor"

"A comedy with bats and balls."

"When these three oddballs try to play hardball, the result is totally screwball."

"Rachel Phelps: [while Wild Thing is playing] I hate this fucking song."

"Rachel Phelps: Here's to the thrill of defeat, Charlie."

"Roger Dorn: [Talking about a ground ball he missed] It was out of my reach. What did you want me to do, dive for it?"

"Roger Dorn: Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: Strike this motherfucker out!"

"Pedro Cerrano: I'm pissed off now, Jobu... I go to you. I stick up for you. And you no help me now... I say FUCK YOU, Jobu. I do it myself."

"Pedro Cerrano: [having decided on a new use for Dorn's golf club covers] Hats for bats, keep bats warm."

"Eddie Harris: Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill."

"Eddie Harris: Are you trying to say that Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?"

"Eddie Harris: Up your butt, Jobu."

"[Contemplating Rick Vaughn in sleeveless uniform] Alright, Vaughn. They tell us you're a pitcher; you're sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves at this level, son! Understood?"

"[After Dorn has jumped out of the way of a ground ball and then tried to field it anyway] C'mon, Dorn ! Get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this '¡Olé!' bullshit!"

"Well, you may run like Mays, but you hit like shit. With your speed, you should be hitting the ball on the ground and be legging them out. Every time I see you hit one in the air, you owe me twenty push-ups."

"[After Hayes has made a Willie Mays style basket catch] Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fucking do it again."

"Forget about the curve ball, Ricky. Give him the heater!"

"And the Indians win it! The Indians win it! OH MY GOD, THE INDIANS WIN IT!"

"And for the Indians, that's one run on, let's see...one hit? That's all we got?, one goddamn hit? [Monty: You can't say "goddamn" on the air!] Don't worry; nobody's listening anyway."

"Hayes is picked off! Well, so much for that. Personally I think we got hosed on that call."

"Heywood's a convicted felon, isn't he Monty? [Monty: Ah...doesn't really say it here.] Well, he should be!"

"We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a helluva job."

"Well, you can close the book on Kellner. [covers microphone with hand and turns to Monty] Thank God!"

"Vaughn deals...and Heywood swings and crushes one towards South America. Tomlinson will need a visa to catch this one, it is out of here and there is nothing left but a vapor trail. [extended version] Let's hope we still have diplomatic relations with the country that baby lands in."

"Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor."

"The post-game show is brought to you by... [searches through his papers] Christ, I can't find it. The hell with it!"