"RUN, PAUL, RUN! Anywhere on Earth but Ohio! There's a codependent, clingy, dysfunctional clan of weirdos there that is trying to drag you into a monotonous hell of watery chili and mediocre sports franchises!"

"Because you let life suck at you."

"You never had it to begin with."

"Uh, no...What are you talking about?...There's a law against that...My hamster ate the list, and then...my hamster was eaten by something with...TWO heads..."

"'If you can't stand the heat, get out of the volcano.' That's the saying. But the reality is, if you can stand the heat, you probably don't have the time to get out the volcano, because your skin is melting off Raiders of the Lost Ark style. (Imitates melting Nazis from said movie) I like that. That's a good scene. Kinda gets you right there (gestures to heart) Little touching."

"That's a little T-L-C from the N-I-N-J-A."

"You take a friend to Putt-Putt golf, but you take an enemy to Cut-Cut golf."

"Don't try and play the whole game with one sword! You don't use a Dark Dragon Blade when you're really supposed to be using the Hell Guardian. Use an Orc-Cleaver when you're supposed to use an Orc-Cleaver!"

"If you get winged by an ice cube from a giant frozen primate...you feel that, you feel that."

"That's not how you want to spend a Friday night. Em-barrassing! When you've been spaghettified through the fabric of the universe, you aren't getting a kiss. Nobody wants to kiss someone that's been infinitely diminished."

"We will play niniature golf, which has some parallels to miniature golf, but I really would not recommend it for a fifth birthday party."

"Black lines...They will kill your brain...Black lines! Don't do it!"

"Ninja lines at ninja meetings, still and straight are the key words. They're constantly throwing shurikens dipped in flesh-eating bacteria up and down the aisles. You lean forward a little bit, suddenly you don't have an epidermal layer. Which is helpful; it's good to have a layer of skin."

"Honestly, lines are not about making friends."

"Next time you're in a line, just put down your basket of frozen loneliness: reminders that you have no one in your life."

"They should have a ninja channel."

"Lines are one of the biggest enemies of the ninja."

"Whether you think you're dead or not, you're right."

"Cherish your dreams, for they are the blueprint of YOUR HOUSE OF PAIN!"

"You miss 100% of the people you don't stab."

"Killing is such a positive thing."

"I like the killin'."

"You know what I will say? My least favorite thing to kill is a robot. And I know what you're thinking: 'What? Robots seem fun to kill.' But There's no splatter with a robot. When I stab something, I like the (squishing sound) I like the squish of a good kill, and robots just don't have it."

"If people really realized how rude and inconsiderate badgers were, they would get a lot more mascot work."

"One summer I had a good time just driving a bad humor truck. "Alright, who's up for chocolate covered kitten? How 'bout a squirrel with a banana shoved down its throat?""

"The little ones are the easiest kills, because you just pop the water wings and then (makes drowning noises)."

"Hey, hey, hey! If you're not killing somebody, get out of the deep end."

"How 'bout this? Grab a stapler, some spare fur that might be lying around, and your threshold for pain, and turn your face into a woodland creature!"

"It sounds like you need to turn your 'bummer job' into a 'fummer job'. I thought that was going to work out better than it did."

"Thr33 woke up the next morning to find themselves surrounded by one million, eight hundred and ninety-five thousand eight hundred and sixty three severely pissed off monkey-dragons!"

"Regular ninja is usually enough... Ninja to the power of three? Forget about it."

"Thr33 was the original 1337."

"If you do get into our program be prepared for death, yours and other people."

"Ninternship program is not for ninjas, ninternship its for ninjaish people, ninja wannabes its ninjannabes."

"I love the spunk.... Don't take that out of context."

"I would but the International Order of Ninjas has just approved the killing of Jonathan Lipnicki and I can't miss out."

"I have to pick up my flying snake from the cave of eyes and teeth."

"I have to stop zombie Tupac from releasing another album from beyond the grave!"

"You save your weddings, anniversaries or deaths for the big events you want to avoid like "Hey, I've got an extra ticket to the Mariah Carey concert.""

"World Cup. Perfect excuse. Honestly, most people don't know how the World Cup works..."

"Ninjas train in excuses."

"The French Revolution? Now, that was a real revolution. Classic comedy. People who think that the French have no sense of humor have never seen someone guillotined."