"Wow, Greg! You really know how to ask the hard-hitting questions that the world needs answered. Or, at least the small portion of the world that makes up the nerdinjas that watch this show. Love you guys."

"Drop the ego, amigo! You're just a reflection."

"Hold the shuriken, blurken! I am way better looking than you!"

"Vampires, they can't be seen in mirrors because they're enchanted, undead, and stupid. Ninjas can't be seen in mirrors because we're just so dang quick! We can break a mirror and then jump out of the way so that the seven years of bad luck hits somebody else."

"It has been scientifically proven that ponytails shut down the part of the brain that allows you to say things that are interesting or relevant."

"And you're just like, "Come on, Mom! There's Teddy Grahams that I want to eat! I don't like the old lady who smells like purple.""

"People have this romantic notion that, like, what they say at the very end is gonna be the most meaningful thing of their lives. If that is the case, most people's lives are summed up by screaming, wheezing, or saying some incoherent babble."

"I have experienced a lot of last words. More than most people, I would have to say."

"Like a vampire? They are yappy."

"And a leprechaun -- those little suckers are like Colin Farrell. They are little, obnoxious, and really good with women."

"A club without the right direction is a misguided stick."

"This one here is an acrostic called shadow. Silent, Hanging, Asp, Dropping, Ouch!, Wathump!"

"Silly Sara was a zombie. Wacky, wild, weird, and wombie. She loved walking, she loved rain, she loved groaning, she loved brains!"

"I look forward to plucking the sun from your universe and watching the cold of time and the void of space slowly dissolve the existence that was you... soon."

"There once was a ninja from Nantucket. Who kept all his swords in a bucket. He started to spin and exclaimed with a grin, When I let this thing go you best duck it!"

"Flower, Pretty Flower. I stop to smell you, you take my nose away. Wait a minute!? Why are you so sharp!? You are not a flower. Now I have no nose. Face, Bloody Face."

"Sometimes the shorter the poem the better, try this one out for size: Black black black black black black black black black black black black...death."

"(After imitating Sean Penn) That is acting against mankind. Ninjas pursue mental, physical, and spiritual perfection. A very subtle difference, I see how you could have possibly made the mistake -- if you were, perhaps, a cup of dirt."

"Do ninjas write poetry or are they just murderous shadows of death, put on earth only to act against mankind?... Wow! I didn't realize those were the only two options."

"Conflict: we got plenty of that. Resolution--well I think we all agree there can be only one. And the possibility of peace? It's still nonexistent."

"I don't want to be a spoiler. I'll give you a hint. It starts with "nin" and it ends your life. Any guesses? No? It's a ninja!"

"Bright green possibilities? How 'bout dark black guarantees."

"Um... A bunch of geeks in Maine?"

"Life is no fun when you're hiding from existence itself!"

"It's Phase III that the disease gets personal! It convinces the ninja that life itself is out to get it!"

"Some of the symptoms of Phase I include: sleeping in coffee cans, changing your name to a pronoun, like "he"...that they think is a lot sneakier if they're just like "He?" "Who's He?" "He's who?" "No, no!" "She's who." "Who's what?" "No!" "What's they!?" "They aren't even here anymore!""

"Ninjas have been proven to be better then any Pirate. If you don't believe me, look it up on Google Fight. Google knows everything."

"Made possible by the Better Killing Through Education Fund & viewers like you."

"If you try to speak them, the words will sneak out of your mouth and go hide somewhere in a county fair."

"A Sneakret is a really really sneaky secret."

"You asking me to stop moving around so much would be like me asking you to stop liking Britney Spears, even though she's a fatty right now."

"Ninjas can slow their heartbeat and their breathing to appear dead. Crazy people can count to bunny rabbit using made-up numbers."

"Ninjas will choose death before dishonor. That's just our thing. Crazy people will choose tapioca before Jell-o."

"Ninjas battle for truth and honor. Crazy people battle a chair named Taco. Are you seeing the difference yet?"

"Ninjas train constantly to stay in peak physical form. Crazy people, however, make a conductor's hat out of a ham sandwich and drive a cafeteria tray around like it's a choo-choo train."

"Ninjas know hundreds of deadly techniques. Crazy people know each ceiling tile in their room personally."

"Ninjas throw shurikens and spears. Crazy people throw tantrums and poop."

"But I guess that I could see how to the non-trained, non-ninja STUPID HEAD, you might think that ninjas and crazy people have something in common."

"Question: How many ninjas does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"Question: Brandon Lee, or Jeff Speakman?"

"Question: Have you ever fought the wind?"

"Question: I have to give a presentation next week...any ninja tips on presenting?"

"Question: Hey Ninja, how would the last stand of the 300 Spartans have been if it was ninjas instead of Spartans?"

"Question: I was wondering, are there lolninjas?"

"Question: Do ninjas have to do paperwork?"

"Question: Do ninjas sleepwalk?"

"Question: Could you give us a brief lesson on Ninja history?"

"So to wrap things up, I think it's pretty safe to say that most ninjas live a little bit longer than you want them to. (The Ninja)"

"And I will tell you right now, if you are facing down a camel-leopard, and you're trying to kill it with pantomime--boy, your space work better be pretty darn good. (Grandpa)"