Comedy Films

"I speak from the heart, off the cuff, like my man, J.C. at the Sermon on the Mount. You said that's what you've always admired about me."

"I had no idea how deep I was until I stepped away, and I'll tell you something. Once I got off the treadmill, I've never been happier."

"Travis Tedford as Spanky"

"Not in the Western sense of word."

"Um, like Mommy got mad at Daddy because he was going to the hotel with Andi."

"I can't say because I'm not supposed to be spying."

"Andi gives Daddy his boners."

"I guess they fight sometimes."

"You kids wanna pick your nose and flick your boogers? Do it!"

"Why is he cursing at us?"

"We're just trying to help you, sir..."

"Look, it's natural to get a little tempted."

"[losing it] The wheel! The little hamster wheel that we're all running up to get a little taste of your little water thingy!"

"[imitates a hamster]"

"Just please, approval! Approval! Please! Give me some of the Jack... yeah..."

"I'm getting off the wheel."

"Mmm. Well, I think Harvard's cheaper."

"Don't do that."

"Really? To you waving your hands over him? He's not a Ouija board, Kevin."

"But do it only when it's dry. Don't do a wet one."

"You're not going to erase my son's memory."

"Really? He said that to you?"

"Circle of Trust."

"He's not a doctor."

"[to Kevin] Why don't you get on your stupid monster yacht with your bubble-butt Russian girlfriend and do Jell-O shots off of Deepak Chopra's butt?"

"Not in *any* sense of word."

"[to his cat after seeing the remixed video of Greg's rant] That's the Godfocker? [cat hisses]"

"Yeah, well I have eyes too. So I'll be watching you... watching me."

"To Pam? Are you kidding? Yes. Jack, there's never been a problem with that."

"Yeah. The pulse on your carotid antery remained steady as you pleaded your innocence."

"What wheel?"

"Sam might be three quarters Byrnes, whereas Henry could very well have a double dose of Focker in him. Double dose."

"Yes. Even after that. It's still... It's all good. It's all good under the hood."

"I know you were telling the truth about Andi, Greg."

"Focker, there is no way I'm going to an ER room with this thing. Now you need to stick me and you need to stick me now! I'm having a dick attack! Stick me!"

"I'm not gay myself. But if I were gay, I would certainly be proud to choose a life partner like Gay Focker. And that's his actual name."

"Dr. Bob. Scumbag."

"If I go down, Greg, I need to know someone will be responsible for the whole Byrnes clan. So I ask you, Greg, are you prepared to be... the Godfocker?"

"Nobody's tempted, nobody..."

"Greg, he saw his father inject a needle into his grandfather's penis. He already had issues. That's something he might never recover from."

"Who's Andi?"

"Like I always tell you, there's nothing wrong with spying as long as you suspect foul play. So, who's Andi?"

"Are you still physically attracted to my daughter, Greg?"

"[sternly] Even after her body's endured the hellish ordeal of birthing twins?"

"That's disgusting."

"We've had this date since the beginning, Greg."

"What about Mommy and Daddy, is everything okay with them?"

"I'm watching you."

"[sarcastically] Our dear friend the Buddha? How's he doing? It's been so long. Do you ever listen to yourself?"

"[as Jack is being loaded into an ambulance, to Greg] Focker!"