"Ashtray's cellmate: If you hit a man, in time his wounds will heal. If you steal from a man, you can replace what you steal. And always cross in the green, never in between. Because the honorable Elijah Muhammed Ali floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. And always remember my brother, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, knick knack, paddy whack, give a dog a bone, two thousand, zero, zero, party, oops! Out of time, my bacon smellin' fine."

"[during job interview] Recruiter: Well, I see your hobbies include "drinkin', smokin' weed, and all types of ill shit.""

"Ashtray's Mother: Tray, I don't want you hangin' out in the streets. I want you to finish school, 'cause without an education the only kind of work you're gonna get is sellin' drugs, pimpin' women, or workin' security for Eddie Murphy."

"Just shoot everything in sight! Everything! [during the final drive by shoot out]"

"Man, it's only been 1,825 days, 6 hours and 13 minutes! She could have waited! [after seeing Dashiki kissing Ashtray]"

"[to new gang member while in prison] Let me tell you something, in this world, if you can't swim...you bound to drizzown. And if you fall, you better pick your punk ass up! [to other gang members] And for the rest of you alls...Don't cut him no slack!"

"Ashtray! You little bitch ass motherfucker! Come over here and give your grandma a hug!"

"[after Ashtray hits her] You still hit like a bitch, motherfucker."

"[smoking a joint] Damn! This is some good shit."

"[Ashtray and Dashiki are having foreplay on the kitchen floor. Ashtray gets a hot dog out of the fridge and starts rubbing it on Dashiki's face. She sees what it is and takes it and says "nuh-huh fool! that's the baby's lunch!""

"My name is Dashiki. That's Swahili for "doggy-style.""

"(After he sees Tray kiss Dashiki) 'ey stupid, you realize you just kissed every nigga at this party?"

"[After his friend dies because he smoked a powerful joint] Yo, pass that shit!"

""The Dog" don't bite... unless ya ask."

"Well, I can see how a pretty little woman like yourself can make a man a little sick- I mean, nervous!"

"Everyone in the hood been up in her! She got more kids than Mrs. Wayans!"

"[While filling out a job application] Name: Loc Dog, baby. Height: Six-deuce! Age: 19. Father's name: mmm... I dunno. Sex: hell yeah, nigga! Salary desired: 3 million dollars! Cash!"

"Bill Cobbs — Reginald"

"Charlie Murphy — Taxi Driver"

"Paul Rudd — Don"

"Kim Raver — Erica Daley"

"Brad Garrett — Easter Island Head (voice)"

"Pierfrancesco Favino — Christopher Columbus"

"Patrick Gallagher — Attila the Hun"

"Rami Malek — Akhmenrah"

"Carla Gugino — Rebecca"

"Ricky Gervais — Dr. McPhee"

"Owen Wilson — Jedediah"

"Steve Coogan — Octavius"

"Mizuo Peck — Sacagawea"

"Robin Williams — Teddy Roosevelt"

"Jake Cherry — Nick Daley"

"Mickey Rooney — Gus"

"Dick Van Dyke — Cecil"

"Ben Stiller — Larry Daley"

"You hear that dad? You're gonna pay! He's a molester! A Child molester!"

"Anthony Michael Hall as Dave Davidson"

"Harland Williams as Darren"

"Eddie Kaye Thomas as Frederick "Freddy" Brody"

"Marisa Coughlan as Betty"

"Rip Torn as James "Jim" Brody"

"Tom Green as Gordon "Gord" Brody"

"A touching story of a young man who desperately wants to make his daddy proud."

"This time you can't change the channel."

"Jim: [after seeing Darren's leg during the skateboarding accident] Oh, God! Get him a job! I mean, get him an ambulance! You get a job, he's got a job already!"

"Betty: Your dad called me a retard, a slut, and a whore. I don't think he likes me very much, Gordy."

"Policewoman: Get off the fucking bar, asshole!"

"What in the name of sweet breakfast meats are you doing?"