"[to Dottie] You ever hear Dad introduce us to people? "This is our daughter Dottie, and this is our other daughter, Dottie's sister." Should've just had you and bought a dog!"

""Here's a job for you, Jimmy. Managing girl ballplayers. Just go out there, wave your little hat around - but don't drink." Ah! Why would I wanna drink? I'm a goddamn Peach! [Hits a ground ball] Ah, double play! Now I'm hitting like a girl. "But be nice to them, they're good ballplayers." [Hits a deep fly ball] Ah! Catch that, blondie! Ha, ha!"

"[to an umpire] Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on? [after the umpire throws him out] I can't believe nobody ever called you that before!"

"Allison Janney - Dee Dee"

"David Letterman - Himself"

"Tiny Tim - Himself"

"Dee Snider - Himself"

"Renee Suran - Herself"

"Slash (musician) - Himself"

"John Popper - Himself"

"Ozzy Osbourne - Himself"

"Ted Nugent - Himself"

"M.C. Hammer - Himself"

"Flavor Flav - Himself"

"Chris Barron - Himself"

"John Stamos - Himself"

"Leslie Bibb - NBC Tour Guide"

"Jenna Jameson - Mandy"

"Amber Smith - Julie"

"Reni Santoni - Vin Vallesecca"

"Michael Murphy - Roger Erlick"

"Kelly Bishop - Ray Stern"

"Richard Portnow - Ben Stern"

"Carol Alt - Gloria"

"Jackie Martling - Himself"

"Gary Dell'Abate - Himself"

"Paul Giamatti - Kenny 'Pig Vomit' Rushton"

"Fred Norris - Fred Norris"