"Cameron: Maybe I should thank someone else. Someone who's really been there, someone who taught me a lot, about poetry and Shakespeare, and just, y'know, stayin' awake, man. Someone who's just an overall great guy, a great teacher... to Howard Brackett from Greenleaf, Indiana! And he's gay. Y'know, I've been thinking alot about this night, and I've decided to dedicate this whole night to a great, gay teacher. Mr. Brackett, WE WON!"

"Glenn Close: [at the Academy Awards] This is Cameron's first nomination and he's in extremely good company. Tonight he joins fellow best actor nominee Paul Newman for "Coot", Clint Eastwood for "Codger", Michael Douglas for "Primary Urges" and Steven Seagal for "Snowball in Hell"."

"Well, how did you do... prissy boy?"

"Truly manly men do NOT dance."

"Think of John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold doesn't dance, he can hardly walk."

"For God's sake, don't shake that booty!"

"Excuse me, are we a little teapot?"

"[Yelling outside the bar after Howard won't marry her because he is gay and after Peter Malloy turns down her advances because he is also gay] Is everybody gay? Is this The Twilight Zone?"

"I need a heterosexual male, CODE RED!"

"I just came out! At my wedding!"

"This is my Peter - uh, my friend Peter. We just met at the, uh, intersexual... homosection... INTERSECTION!"

"Class: so, uh, where were we? Romantic poetry. Shakespeare. Talented. English. Dead."

"Berniece: I need that wedding. I need some beauty and some music and some placecards before I die. It's like heroin."

"Peter Malloy: A teacher in trouble. A town under siege. A journey to the heartland. Stay tuned."

"Steve Perry. Steve Perry! "Well I shoulda been go-one, after all!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Listen to me, you little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!"

"(with poor Australian accent) How to speak San Franciscan."

"[under his breath] Subtle. [normally] Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight? [Grumsky stay focused] [imitating Eric Cartman] Hey! You guys! Seriously, I'm fuckin' fat! Seriously, guys, I'm fuckin' fat as fuck! How'd I get so fuckin' fat?!"

"Robert Vaughn - Baxter Cain"

"Ernest Borgnine - Ted Denslow"

"Jenny McCarthy - Yvette Denslow"

"Yasmine Bleeth - Jenna Reed"

"Dian Bachar - Kenny "Squeak" Scolari"

"Matt Stone - Doug Remer"

"Trey Parker - Joe "Coop" Cooper"

"I swear, you guys rip on me thirteen or fourteen more times and I'm outta here!"

"[Coop and Reemer are fighting] Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!"

"Look at him! He's like a tumor sittin' over there. Ugh, and his hair! It just bothers me so much!"

"Willie Garson - Patsy"

"Kyle Secor - Howard"

"Rosie Perez - Cindy"

"Christian Slater - Adam"

"Marisa Tomei - Caroline"

"He doesn't make sense. She doesn't make sense. Together they make sense."

"It's not right to feel shitty this time of year, but everybody does. It's like this is life, and once you go through it long enough, you realize what the flavor is. And it sure ain't vanilla!"

"It's too bad though. I'd do him, if he wasn't so dumb!"

"You are my peace."