"[reading Gib's paper aloud] 'It could be tonight,' he thought as he stood in the corner, pretending to have a good time. He would meet her tonight. All his young life, he had dreamed of a girl like this. 5'6, silky hair, trim, nubile body. Nubile, by the way, is spelled with a "u". Trim, nubile body that really knew how to move. And soft, deeply tanned skin. Now as for personality traits, she needed only one. She had to love sex and all the time. To arrive at this moment, he had traveled vast distances enduring many hardships. Abject poverty, starvation, show tunes, you name it. From across the room, he saw her. She was perfect. He knew almost nothing about her and she didn't know much more about him. It was exactly how it was supposed to be. He brought her to his room. The lights were soft, the moment was right. Then she leaned over and whispered in his ear, 'Do you love me?' Thoughts raced through his mind. Did she really want him? What had he done to deserve this bounty? Does God exist? Who invented liquid soap and why? 'Do you love me?' Staring into her eyes he knew that she really needed to hear it but for the first time in his life, he knew these were no longer just words and if he said it, it would be a lie. 'Do you love me?' she whispered. 'Do you love me?' It would not be tonight. The answer was no."

"Get Lucky."

"It's a battle of the sexes and they're playing dirty."

"Ashton Kutcher - Jack Fuller, Jr."

"Cameron Diaz - Joy MacNally"

"Rob Corddry - Jeffrey "Hater" Lewis"

"Lake Bell - Toni "Tipper" Saxson"

"Dennis Farina - Richard "Dick" Banger"

"Dennis Miller - Judge Whopper"

"Krysten Ritter - Kelly"

"Jason Sudeikis - Mason"

"Michelle Krusiec - Chong"

"Queen Latifah - Dr. Twitchell"

"Zach Galifianakis - Dave"

"Treat Williams - Jack Fuller, Sr."

"Deirdre O'Connell - Mrs. Fuller"

"[talks to Alison while she swims] I flunk English, I'm outta here. Kiss college goodbye. I don't know what I'll do. Dad will be pissed off. Mom will be heartbroken. If I play my cards right, I get maybe a six-month grace period and then I gotta get a job, and you know what that means. [Alison ignores him] That's right, they start me at the drive-up window and I gradually work my way up from shakes to burgers, and then one day my lucky break comes: the french fry guy dies and they offer me the job! But the day I'm supposed to start, some men come by in a black Lincoln Continental and tell me I can make a quick 300 just for driving a van back from Mexico! When I get out of jail I'm 36 years old. Living in a flop house. No job. No home. No upward mobility. Very few teeth. And then one day they find me, face down, talking to the gutter, clutching a bottle of paint thinner. And why? Because you wouldn't help me in English, no! You were too busy to help me! Too busy to help a drowning man! [he falls into the pool]"

"What the hell's wrong with being stupid once in awhile? Does everything you do always have to be sensible? Haven't you ever thrown water balloons off a roof? When you were a little kid didn't you ever sprinkle Ivory flakes on the living room floor 'cause you wanted to make it snow in July? Didn't you ever get really shitfaced and maybe make a complete fool of yourself and still have an excellent time?"

"You know, junk food doesn't deserve the bad rap that it gets. Take these pork rinds for example. This particular brand contains two percent of the R.D.A. - that's Recommended Daily Allowance - of riboflavin."

"Spontaneity has its time and place."

"Cowboy Guy: I was in Paris once with my wife... boy am I glad she's dead."

"Gary Cooper: Hi, I'm Gary Cooper, but not the Gary Cooper that's dead."

"Lance: Gib, you want a relationship? That's fine. Just remember that every relationship starts with a one night stand. You came 3,000 miles for a reason didn't you? Would you look at that reason. Go for it Gib, you've earned it."

"Lance's frat brother: Three thousand miles just to get laid. I really respect that."