"Springtime for Hitler and Germany (two rifle shots) Goosestep's the new step today. (machine-gun fire) Bombs falling from the skies again (explosion) Deutschland is on the rise again! Springtime for Hitler and Germany U-boats are sailing once more. Springtime for Hitler and Germany Means that soon we'll be going to war!"

"Don't be stupid! Be a smartie! Come and join the Nazi Party!"

"I was born in Dusseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf!"

"Springtime for Hitler and Germany Deutschland is happy and gay. We're marching to a faster pace Look out, here comes the master race! Springtime for Hitler and Germany Winter for Poland and France. Springtime for Hitler and Germany Come on, Germans, go into your dance."

"You lousy fruit! You RUINED ME!!"

"Next time I produce a play, no author."

"Mr. Bialystock, I cannot FUNCTION under these conditions! [pulls out his blue blanket and hugs it] You're making me extremely nervous."

"Bloom, look at me. Look at me, Bloom! Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life. Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm being sunk by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison. [bellowing] HELP!!!"

"How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?"

"That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart."

"GIMME MY BLUE BLANKET!!!"

"That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!"

"How humiliating. Max Bialystock. Max Bialystock. You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Delmonico's. $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye! Look at me now. LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt! I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now. [He opens a cabinet with pictures of wealthy, elderly women] Voila! Hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at Max Bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery! [To Leo] You have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect. One, two... Do the books. Do the books...Window's so filthy, can't tell whether it's day or night out there."

"Go away, go away. You frighten me."

"You're gonna jump on me."

"Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man."

"It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting."

"Max! Please don't say that word again."

"Barney Martin - Goring"

"Dick Shawn - Lorenzo St. DuBois (L.S.D.)"

"Adam Brody – Jack"

"Nancy O'Dell – Herself"

"Richard Speight Jr. – Ricky Del, the Eager Trainee"

"Jeff Witzke – Kidnapper"

"Joan Lunden – Herself"

"Dennis Miller – Himself"

"Todd Louiso – Ron Goode"

"Rob Lowe – Jeff Megall"

"Kim Dickens – Jill Naylor"

"Robert Duvall – Captain"

"J.K. Simmons – BR"

"William H. Macy – Senator Ortolan Finisterre"

"David Koechner – Bobby Jay Bliss"

"Katie Holmes – Heather Holloway"

"Sam Elliott – Lorne Lutch"

"Cameron Bright – Joey Naylor"

"Maria Bello – Polly Bailey"

"Aaron Eckhart – Nick Naylor"

"Nick Naylor doesn't hide the truth … he filters it."

"America is living in spin."

"Polly Bailey : Are you a tit man?"

"Bobby Jay Bliss : It was some pretty fucked up shit."

"Joey Naylor: It's like you always said, Dad, "If you want an easy job, go work for the Red Cross.""

"Doak "The Captain" Boykin: You're family now. Tobacco takes care of its own."

"Heather Holloway: My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer, blood sucker, pimp, profiteer and my personal favorite, yuppie Mephistopheles."

"When you're looking for a cancer kid, he should be hopeless. He should have a wheelchair, he should have trouble talking, he should have a little pet goldfish in a Zip-lock bag, hopeless."

"The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!"