"People, what is going on out there? I look down this table, all I see are white flags! Our numbers are down all across the board. Teen smoking, our bread and butter, is falling like a shit from heaven! We don't sell Tic Tacs for Christ's sake. We sell cigarettes! And they're cool and available and addictive. The job is almost done for us! Now, this environmentalist [Pussy] is challenging us. We have to have an answer! I'm asking you, when this cocksucker puts Captain Hook on our product, what the fuck are we going to do!?"

"Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. I talk. Everyone has a talent."

"Everyone's got a mortgage to pay. [inner monologue] The Yuppie Nuremberg defense."

"In 1910, the US was producing ten billion cigarettes a year, by 1930 we were up to one hundred twenty three billion, what happened in between? Three things: a World War, Dieting and movies. [...] 1927, talking pictures are born. Suddenly directors need to give their actors something to do while they're talking. Cary Grant and Carole Lombard are lighting up, Bette Davis, a chimney, and Bogart, remember the first picture with him and Lauren Bacall? [...] She sort of shimmies in through the doorway. Nineteen years old. Pure sex. She says "Anyone got a match?" and Bogie throws the matches at her... and she catches them. Greatest romance in the century, how did it start? Lighting a cigarette. In these days, when someone smokes in the movies, they're either a psychopath... or an European. The message that Hollywood needs to send out is "Smoking is Cool!". We need the cast of, uh, Will & Grace smoking in their living room, Forrest Gump puffing away between his box of chocolates, Hugh Grant earning back the love of Julia Roberts by buying her favorite brand - her Virginia Slims. Most of the actors smoke already. If they start doing it on screen... We can put the sex back into cigarettes."

"How many alcohol related deaths a year? 100,000? That's, what, 270 a day? Tragedy. How many firearms related deaths a year? 11,000? That comes out to a measly 30 a day!"

"After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then seventeen, signed up for the National Guard so that he too could shoot college students. But, the National Guard recruiter was out to lunch, so Bobby Jay ended up shooting Panamanians instead. Which was almost as good as college students, only they shoot back."

"Few people on this planet know what it is to be truly despised. Can you blame them? I earn a living fronting an organization that kills one thousand two hundred human beings a day; 1200 people. We're talking two jumbo jet plane loads of men, women, and children. I mean there's Attila, Genghis, and me, Nick Naylor, the face of cigarettes, the Colonel Sanders of nicotine. This is where I work, the Academy of Tobacco Studies. It was established by seven gentlemen you may recognize from C-Span. These guys realized quick if they were going to claim cigarettes were not addictive, they better have proof. This is the man they rely on—Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt. They found him in Germany; I won't go into the details. He's been testing the link between nicotine and lung cancer for thirty years, and hasn't found any conclusive results. The man's a genius—he could disprove gravity. Then we got our sharks. We draft them out of Ivy League law, schools and give them timeshares and sports cars. It's just like a John Grisham novel, well—you know—without all the espionage. Most importantly, we've got spin control. That's where I come in. I get paid to talk. I don't have an MD or law degree. I have a bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names. You know that guy who can pick up any girl? I'm him, on crack."

"Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Holy shit, it understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. Maybe it's a conspiracy like in The X-Files... Roswell style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey — the monkey will spank us. [Dante: I'm not even supposed to be here today!] And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, and only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry "You maniacs! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!""

"Scott William Winters as Himself / Clark"

"James Van Der Beek as Himself / Chronic"

"Jason Biggs as Himself / Bluntman"

"Tracy Morgan as Pumpkin Escobar"

"Shannen Doherty as Herself"

"Jon Stewart as Reg Hartner"

"Judd Nelson as a sheriff"

"Carrie Fisher as a nun"

"George Carlin as a hitchhiker"

"Alanis Morissette as God"

"Sean William Scott as Brent"

"Diedrich Bader as Miramax Security Guard Gordon"

"Gus Van Sant as Himself"

"Carmen Llywelyn as Daphne Blake"

"Jane Silvia as Velma Dinkley"

"Matthew James as Shaggy Rogers"

"Marc Blucas as Fred Jones"

"Mark Hamill as Himself / Cock-Knocker / Scooby-Doo"

"Wes Craven as Himself"

"Jason Lee as Brodie Bruce / Banky Edwards"

"Jamie Kennedy as Chaka's production assistant"

"Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves"

"Brian O'Halloran as Dante Hicks"

"Chris Rock as Chaka Luther King"

"Matt Damon as Himself"

"Ben Affleck as Holden McNeil / Himself"

"Jennifer Schwalbach Smith as Missy"

"Ali Larter as Chrissy"

"Eliza Dushku as Sissy"

"Will Ferrell as Federal Wildlife Marshall Willenholly"

"Shannon Elizabeth as Justice"

"Kevin Smith as Silent Bob"

"Jason Mewes as Jay"

"[trying to compose a protest song] Hey, Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit..."

"And on that note...we cue the music."

"Here's the pulse, alright, and here's your finger far from the pulse jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?"

"[to a customer who is bending a comic book's spine] It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman."

"It's nights like this, when I miss dating a lesbian..."

"A Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that? [Holden, Jay, and Silent Bob look out into the audience]"

"Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? [gestures to Silent Bob] I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out "When, Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foulmouthed little chucklehead, to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord? When? When's gonna be my time?""