"I love science - not all that "what do you get if you mix this chemical with that chemical?" nonsense - [throws away the science magazine he was reading] I mean, proper science, like this - [picking up the tabloid newspaper on his lap] there's this bloke, German scientist, Franz Epping...he's come up with this theory that, staring at a woman's breasts for 30 minutes is the equivalent of a 30-minute workout. [closes the paper as camera zooms in on Hammond's face] Now that is an experiment I really wanna do."

"Super brainiac: saving the world with science!"

"Well, it would be cruel to kill a car-so let's kill a caravan."

"Charlotte Hudson: People who wear sunglasses are often seen as cool and trendy-apart from Liam Gallagher of course."

"47-Second Science - tackling life's big questions in bite-sized chunks."

"Thaila Zucchi: one more act you can't do when receiving electric shocks."

"Dr Bunhead on the road,where science's biggest loser sets of in his trusty old van/old banger, peddling chemistry to the masses."

"...a lot harder when you're being electrocuted."

"...(insert action here), one more thing you can't do whilst being electrocuted."

"So, can (insert name here) still do his/her glitzy day job whilst being electrocuted? Yes/No."

"Jon (at the start of every teaser): Here's one for you..."

"(alarm blares) Stop! (Hammond appears on screen) The following experiment is dangerous. Do not try this at home. (disappears, then reappears) No, really, don't."

"(alarm blares) Stop! (Hammond appears on screen) The following experiment is dangerous. For your safety and the protection of those around you, do not try this at home. (disappears, then reappears) No, really, don't."

"Stop! (Vic Reeves blows party whistle) The following recipe is dangerous. Do not try this at home...or anywhere else for that matter!"

"...a third nipple on the hairy chest of science."

"...that won the Nobel Prize - for pebble dashing."

"...a backstreet liposuction on the pudgy guts of science."

"(Vic Reeves appears) Hey,you! Stop! The following experiment is dangerous. Do not try this at home...for pity's sake!"

"Is it a drain specialist? Is it a road sweeper? No,it's Super Brainiac! The result of a mistake in a laboratory. His mission: to rid the world of toxic caravans!"

"...that snorkels in cesspits."

"...that finds the quietest spot in the library, and spontaneously combusts."

"...that gently nibbles on the toes of science - and then bites its leg off."

"...that wipes its bottom on science's face flannel."

"...that tied science to the railway tracks and then boarded the 6:15 to Scarborough."

"...that took Sir Isaac Newton's apple and turned it into cider."

"...that zooms past speed cameras in science's car."

"...a yellow stain on the sports sock of science."

"...a vampire bat in the underpants of science."

"Is it a day-glow ninja? Is it a flourescent madman? Yes,it's Super Brainiac! The result of an experiment that trebled his IQ to 42! His mission: to rid the world of toxic caravans!"

"...that bottles its sweat and sells it as perfume."

"...with short-term memory loss. Welcome to Brainiac, the science show with short-term memory loss. Welcome to Brainiac..."

"...that pats science on the head and then runs off with its toupée."

"...that takes common sense out the back - and gives it a good sh-"

"...[telepathically] for psychics. [out loud] Or maybe it's physicists..."

"...a lit match in the firework factory of science."

"...an embarrassing wet patch on the trousers of science."

"...the dodgy landing gear on the jumbo jet of science."

"...that farts at the dinner table and blames your granny."

"...that lances boils on the spotty bottom of science."

"...that wets its underpants inside-out to save on the laundry."

"...running up the down escalator of science."

"...that taught science how to swim - by chucking it into the deep end."

"...that's tested on living humans."

"...that uses jelinite as a hair gel."

"...that spends a night with science and then e-mails you the pictures."

"...that declares war on magnets."

"...a skidmark on the underpants of science."

"...that makes the connection between gravy and monkeys."

"...that took science up the aisle but then snogged the bridesmaid."