"Stuttering John: Wait! Wait! Is that it? What, the movie's over? Oh, yeah? That's bullshit! Hi. You know who I am? Yeah, I'm Stuttering John. And you know why I'm pissed? I'll tell you why. I've been getting up at 4:00 every morning to work for Howard. I've been pissing off every publicist, burning every freakin' bridge in the industry, And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay me back by putting me in his movie! No, he doesn't! I'm not in the movie! I've been in here for 8 years, cuttin' his friggin' potato! I've been smacked around by Morton Downey, punched in the nose by Raquel Welch, and what do I get? I get fucking nothing! That's what I get! I'm not even in this fucking movie! He's says I'll be in the sequel! Yeah? What sequel? Suppose the movie sucks? Th-th-th-there won't even be any sequel!"

"Howard Stern can kiss my ass in hell!"

"You are the Mother-fucking Antichrist!"

"This little puppy's finally gonna get housebroken."

"So occasionally I make a fool of myself in public, and the FCC wants me off the air, and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts, and, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not? But my life isn't bad at all. I'm still on the air, I've got my kids, and I've got Alison. Alison... She's the best friend I could ever have. And who knows? With a little time, the right energy...I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action."

"You know, I could get this girl. I know I could get her. And this is the hell that's my life. I mean, think about it. What would it be like to have sex with her? It would be amazing. But I'm not going to act on it. You know why? Because I'd be a schmuck. No, because I love Alison. She stuck with me through the whole thing, you know? You gotta respect that. I think you have to respect that. You have to respect that."

"I want to pray to God right now. Jesus Christ, who I love so much, more than anything in the whole world, I am begging you, please...send a hit man to the United States of America to kill Pig Vomit finally. Thank you. I love you, God. I'll do whatever you say if you just make that come true."

"I was in the program director's office. His name is Pig Vomit. Yes, because he looks like a pig, and he makes you want to vomit. He's Pig Vomit."

"[to Alison] It's unbelievable. I got a job offer today from WNBC in New York. Afternoon drive, the most powerful radio station in their chain, $150,000 a year. And they said if I do really well, they're gonna syndicate my program all over the country. This is it. This is everything I want. It's like...It's the dream, the Big Apple."

"I am Officer Howie, and there's a new law in town. We're taking it over."

"I am the hero of the lesbian community, am I not, Robin?"

"It was then that I made a startling discovery...Lesbians equal ratings."

"[while playing country music] Howdy, cowpokes. Uh, I know I shouldn't be interrupting in the middle of a song, but I got to tell you something. I know a lot of you out there really love this music, but I just don't get it. Explain it to me. And maybe it's 'cause I went to college, and I never drove a truck and had sex with my daddy's sister, but...I guess what I'm trying to say is, I...I don't think I'm the man for this job. So this is your old pal Hopalong Howie saying I quit. I... I think I quit."

"My name is Howard Stern, and welcome to the new morning show. And we have a new feature for you. This is, uh, something special. We have a traffic copter now here at WWWW. Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day in the traffic copter. Mama, you there? Hello? Mama? Uh. [Helicopter sound effect] Hello? [In Mama's voice] Yes, hello. This is Mama Look-a boo boo day, the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area, I'm proud to say. [in his normal voice] Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, Mama. Tell me, uh, what's going on in the traffic? [in Mama's voice] First, a political statement, if I may. Kill, Kill, Kill... The White Man, by Eugene Mama Look-a boo boo day. Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the pen. OK, here we go. Kill, kill, kill the white man. Kill him until he is dead. Kill the white man. Thank you."

"I.M. Hobson - Myron Addison, a Board Member"

"Jim True-Frost — Buzz the Elevator Operator"

"Bill Cobbs — Moses the Clock Man"

"Bruce Campbell — Smitty, Argus reporter"

"Jennifer Jason Leigh — Amy Archer"

"A Comedy of Invention."

"I used to think you were a swell guy. Well, to be honest, I thought you were an imbecile. But then I figured out you WERE a swell guy... A little slow, maybe, but a swell guy. Well, maybe you're not so slow, But you're not so swell either. And it looks like you're an imbecile after all!"

"Don't you remember how you used to feel about the hoop? You told me you were gonna bring a smile to the hips of everyone in America, regardless of race, creed or color. Finally there'd be a thingumajig that would bring everyone together -- even if it kept 'em apart, spatially."