"I wish I had that boat again, that Bertram. I'd get in my car with Annette, I'd drive down to the pier... I'd get on that boat, and I'd go. East, west, north, south, nobody ever finding me."

"Anywhere you go, all around the world, all the best cooks are men."

"[talking to Donnie] When I introduce you, I'm gonna say, "This is a friend of mine." That means you're a connected guy. Now if I said instead, "This is a friend of ours," that would mean you're a made guy. A Capisce?"

"I got cancer of the prick."

"I'd die with you, Donnie."

"A wise guy's always right. Even when he's wrong, he's right."

"And listen to me, if Donnie calls... , tell him... if it was gonna be anyone, I'm glad it was him. All right?"

"Who the fuck am I? Who am I? I'm a, a spoke on a wheel. And so was he, and so are you."

"How much money did you give that guy? A wiseguy never pays for his drinks."

"In our thing, you get sent for, you go in alive, you come out dead, and it's your best friend that does it."

"I never hear from my boss until he dies, then my whole life gets turned upside down!"

"In all the five boroughs, I'm known, forget about it. I'm known all over the fuckin' world. Anybody, ask anybody about Lefty from Mulberry Street, eh? You pissin' up the wrong fuckin' tree, my friend."

"All my life I've tried to be the good guy, the guy in the white fucking hat. And for what? For nothing. I'm not becoming like them; I am them."

"If I come out alive, this guy, Lefty, ends up dead. That's the same thing as me putting the bullet in his head myself."

"Forget about it," it's like, uh, if you agree with someone. You know, like, "Raquel Welch is one great piece of ass, forget about it." But then, if you disagree, like, "A Lincoln is better than a Cadillac? Forget about it!" You know? But then, it's also like, if something is the greatest thing in the world, like, "Minghia, those peppers! Forget about it!" But it's also like saying "go to hell," too. You know, like, uh, "Hey, Paulie, you got a one-inch pecker," and Paulie says, "Forget about it!"... Sometimes it just means, uh, "forget about it."

"No wonder you can't hear any bells! You don't have a tinkler!"

"Do you wanna get off or do you wanna wreck a city?"

"[while receiving cunnilingus] Mind if I smoke, while you're eating?"

"[on the telephone with Dr. Young.] You gotta help me. I'm in love with Linda. We want to get married... thank you. There's only one problem - she needs a nine inch cock. I'm only 3 inches away from true happiness, is there anything you can do? You can? Really? [turning to Linda Lovelace] No problem, honey. He can cut it off as short as you want!"

"It makes me feel tingly all over and then nothing... There should be bells ringing, dams busting, bombs going off."

"Lovelace is almost a Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not as she takes the whole joint down her gullet. No, it’s not a small-potato penis but a roustabout rod of ten inches that plummets into the deepest recesses of our lady’s oral cavity. It seems a miracle. … I was never so moved by any theatrical performance since stuttering through my own bar mitzvah."

"It is all very well and good for Linda Lovelace, the star of the movie, to advocate sexual freedom; but the energy she brings to her role is less awesome than discouraging. If you have to work this hard at sexual freedom, maybe it isn't worth the effort."

"It is a crime that movie is still showing; there was a gun to my head the entire time."

"Virtually every time someone watches that movie, they're watching me being raped."

"The End. And Deep Throat to you all."

"Meryl Streep – Joanna Kramer"

"Dustin Hoffman – Ted Kramer"

"Billy has a home with me. I've made it the best I could. It's not perfect. I'm not a perfect parent. Sometimes I don't have enough patience because I forget that he's a little kid. But I'm there. We get up in the morning and then we eat breakfast, and he talks to me and then we go to school. And at night, we have dinner together and we talk then and I read to him. And, and we built a life together and we love each other. If you destroy that, it may be irreparable. Joanna, don't do that, please. Don't do it twice to him."

"If I understand it correctly, what means the most here is what's best for our son. What's best for Billy. My wife used to always say to me: 'Why can't a woman have the same ambitions as a man?' I think you're right. And maybe I've learned that much. But by the same token, I'd like to know, what law is it that says that a woman is a better parent simply by virtue of her sex? You know, I've had a lot of time to think about what it is it that makes somebody a good parent? You know, it has to do with constancy, it has to do with patience, it has to do with listening to him. It has to do with pretending to listen to him when you can't even listen anymore. It has to do with love, like, like, like she was saying. And I don't know where it's written that it says that a woman has a corner on that market, that, that a man has any less of those emotions than a woman does."

"[in court] There's a lot of things I didn't understand, a lot of things I'd do different if I could. Just like I think there's a lot of things you wish you could change, but we can't. Some things once they're done can't be undone. My wife, my ex-wife, says that she loves Billy, and I believe she does, but I don't think that's the issue here."

"For the last six months I've been spitting blood to get this agency one of the biggest account it's ever had. And at five o'clock this afternoon, we got the account. At eight o'clock, I am walking home with the vice president and tells me I'll be the next creative director of this department. I come through this door to share with my wife one of the five best days of my life, and she looks at me and tells me she doesn't want to live with me anymore! Can't you understand what she's done to me?"

"[having lunch with his boss] So the other morning, I'm at the refrigerator... you know, getting Billy ready for school. So I'm just in my underwear and he notices I've lost weight. And he comes in and pats me. He comes up to here... [touches his stomach]... and he says "Daddy, you've really lost a lot of weight", he looks up at me and he says "And it's all gone to your nose." [laughs] He was so cute. You know?"

"Jess Osuna – Ackerman"

"Jack Ramage – Spencer"

"Howland Chamberlain – Judge Atkins"

"Bill Moor – Gressen"

"JoBeth Williams – Phyllis Bernard (as Jobeth Williams)"

"George Coe – Jim O'Connor"

"Howard Duff – John Shaunessy"

"Justin Henry – Billy Kramer"

"Jane Alexander – Margaret Phelps"

"Ted Nugent - Himself"

"David Letterman - Himself"