"What are we really talking about here? Huh? What's the essence of what we're talking about? Spell it out for you if I have to. [writing on chalkboard] PROSTITUTION! Prostitution. Yeah, we can say it. We're big kids now, right? You know a lot of times it'll help you to understand a word if you break it down, so let’s do that now, shall we? PROS... it doesn't mean anything. Forget about that... TIT, I think we all know what that means. TU, kay two tit and TION, of course, from the Latin to shun... to say no, uh-uh, thank you anyway I don't want it, to push away... it doesn't even belong in this word really, so let's get rid of that."

"We'll call ourselves Love Brokers."

"What if you mix...mayonnaise right in the can with the tuna fish? Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute! Chuck! Take live tuna fish...and feed them mayonnaise. Oh this is good. [speaks into tape recorder] Call StarKist."

"So there I was at the Blackjack table with all my wash 'n' dries... did I tell you I had the idea for them first?"

"Dom DeLuise - The Pope"

"Neal Israel - Dr. Zilman"

"Ray Walston - Vendor"

"Ron Carey - Pat"

"Glynnis O'Connor - Sally"

"Alan Hale, Jr. - the Desk Sergeant"

"Dick Butkus - Arthur"

"Danny DeVito - Burr"

"Griffin Dunne - Tommy Kelly"

"Richard Dimitri - Roman Troy Moronie"

"Peter Boyle - Jocko Dundee"

"Maureen Stapleton - Ma Kelly"

"Marilu Henner - Lil Sheridan"

"Joe Piscopo - Danny Vermin"

"Michael Keaton - Johnny Kelly (a.k.a. Johnny Dangerously)"

"Organized crime has never been so disorganized!"

"Polly: You missed, fuckface!"

"Tommy Kelly: ...that Roman Troy Maronie was responsible for the Mother's Day Massacre, the Christmas Day Slaughter, the Lincoln's Birthday Mutilations, and the Groundhog's Day Beheadings!"

"You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches!"

"I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves."

"With a father like "Killer" Kelly, it's a wonder neither of you turned out to be a piece 'o shit criminal."

"Bless the saints, it's an ashtray! I've been thinking of taking up smoking. This clinches it!"

"The Lower East Side. This really sucks."

"I know what you can't say. You wanna get laid. You wanna hump your brains out. Vavoom, vavoom, vavoom!"

"I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things."

"Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked."

"You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once... Once."

"You shouldn't shoot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once... Once."

"I've fulfilled a lot of people's predictions about me. I've become a real scumbag."

"And you know for you kids out there who are thinkin' about smokin', don't start. And if you started, stop. Smokin' don't make you look tough kids. It makes you look stupid. If you gotta put something in your mouth, make it a stick of chewing gum. Sure, thats what Johnny does. Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body."

"Diversification. Yes, sir. We're constantly exploring new and exciting areas of crime. And I tell ya somethin'. We better, because there a couple Japanese gangs out there that are going to do it faster and cheaper."

"I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to."

"The name's Dangerously. Johnny Dangerously."

"Joey Lauren Adams as Layla Maloney"

"Dylan and Cole Sprouse as Julian McGrath"

"Adam Sandler as Sonny Koufax"

"Once you adopt a kid, you've got to keep him."