"[looking at Bugsy's (guinea pig) eyes] DAAAAAAAAAAH! Wow! Those would look big on a cow! Are those eyeballs or bowling balls? Need to keep my eyes off him, goodbye."

"It's not that big, sir. It can fit into one spot."

"Excuse me Mr. Nottingham. My name is Jill Hastings. I'm a teacher at Webster Elementary."

"That's my Prius."

"[to Skeeter after he finds out that the new hotel is replacing Webster Elementary School] Don't destroy the sliver of respect I still have for you by making lame excuses. Just go away and stay away."

"[Skeeter mistakes him for Bobbi] I'm Patrick. She's Bobbi."

"Girls are bisgrusting, except for Trisha Sparks."

"[looks at the stars] Oh look. A pyramid."

"You have to read us a bedtime story."

"[is asked how hamburgers taste] Lifechanging."

"Patrick's never kissed a girl."

"[looking at Skeeter's gifts] Shampoo, and a soap?"

"Barry Nottingham Yes. Now, sign the bloody papers."

"Mickey [translating Skeeter's gibberish] Jumping up and down on the alligator."

"Barry Nottingham Germs!"

"Mickey Oh, so positive visualisation. I read a book on that once...I read the back cover...I can't read. [Bugsy starts laughing] Shut up, Bugsy! I've got opposable thumbs. What do you think about that? [Bugsy stops laughing]"

"Skeeter Am I really getting a cherry-red ferrari?"

"Robber I don't see why not."

"Skeeter For freeeee?!"

"Robber Sounds good to... meeeee?"

"Violet Nottingham Skeeter? Skeeter Bronson?"

"Skeeter Yes, ma'am."

"Skeeter Raining gumballs?"

"Patrick Why not? It's a bedtime story: anything can happen."

"Skeeter Yeah, well I guess, in the story. I just wish it was like that in real life. I really do. [imaginary wind chimes sound]"

"Bobbi You go into a magical cave."

"Skeeter Caves are nice."

"Bobbi And Abe Lincoln's there."

"Skeeter Abe Lincoln?! What, is this a joke to you?! What the heck's the matter with you?!"

"Skeeter So you need me, this is good. I´ll do it. But you will have to say "Skeeter is the coolest, I´m a nerd"."

"Wendy Skeeter is the coolest, I´m a nerd"

"Skeeter Yeah, you are!"

"Marty: And so Skeeter sat on his bed filled with regret, wondering how to put the pieces of his life back together after one magical week."

"Skeeter: [sarcastic] Great ending, huh?"

"Marty: That was your ending?! I thought this was just a sad part before things got better!"

"Skeeter: What do you mean?"

"Marty: Well in the stories I told you, just when things looked bleakest, the hero would do something unexpected and courageous to beat the bad guy, save the day and get the girl!"

"Skeeter: [inspired] Yeah! How do I do that?"

"Marty: It's your story, not mine. But you better get moving; go get 'em, son!"

"Adam Sandler as Skeeter Bronson"

"Keri Russell as Jill"

"Guy Pearce as Kendall"

"Russell Brand as Mickey"

"Richard Griffiths as Barry Nottingham"

"Teresa Palmer as Violet Nottingham"

"Lucy Lawless as Aspen"

"Courteney Cox as Wendy Bronson"

"Jonathan Morgan Heit as Patrick"

"Laura Ann Kesling as Bobbi"

"Jonathan Pryce as Marty Bronson"