"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy. The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!"

"[singing] Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. [the bus approaches] Well, here goes nothin'. [but the bus drives right passed him]"

"[about Eric] Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?"

"He said "poop"!"

"Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?"

"[waves the shampoo bottle as if it is talking] Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! [waves the conditioner bottle to the same effect] Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! [waves the shampoo bottle] Oh, really, fool?! [waves the conditioner bottle] Really! [then makes the shampoo and conditioner bottle "fight" each other before dropping both into the bathtub, then notices a golden swan-shaped faucet] Stop lookin' at me, swan!"

"All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like."

"It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here."

"[first lines; singing while relaxing in his pool] Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! [makes a smiley face with his sunblock] Smiley!"

"Hrant Alianak as Pete"

"Dina Platias as Miss Lippy"

"Theresa Merritt as Juanita"

"Larry Hankin as Carl Alphonse"

"Mark Beltzman as Jack"

"Norm Macdonald as Frank"

"Josh Mostel as Principal Max Anderson"

"Bradley Whitford as Eric Gordon"

"Bridgette Wilson as Veronica Vaughn"

"Darren McGavin as Brian Madison"

"Adam Sandler as Billy Madison"

"A Comedy About An Overwhelming Underachiever."

"There's A New Name For Dumb."

"To Inherit His Family's Fortune, Billy Is Going Back To School...Way Back!"

"Billy Madison's Going Back To School...Way Back!"

"What do I care about some stupid, phony wrestling guy?"

"[after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly] Oh. I see what's going' on in here. [the penguin waves at him] So sorry to interrupt! [turns to Veronica] Proceed!"

"[drunk] You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!"

"[to the female high-school classmate] No, I will not make out with you! [laughs] Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!"

"[after Ernie hangs up the phone] YOU BLEW IT!!"

"You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!"