"Eric: [in a postcard to Neil] So you still haven't written - big surprise - but Wendy says you're doing OK, which is cool. I've been wanting to tell you about this strange guy I met 3 weeks ago. No, we're not fucking, get your mind out of the gutter, perv. He's not even gay, I don't think - in fact, his vibe is kinda weirdly asexual. His name is Brian Lackey. He lives in Little River and, like yours truly, attends Hutchinson Loser Community College... So anyways, the day you left, your mom and I found him literally on your doorstep, looking for you. He says you and him played Little League together like 10 years ago. He was the worst player on the team, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah... He's full of questions about you. But, of course, I haven't told him much, i.e. about your "line of work". I did say you were queer like me, only 'cause I figured you wouldn't care. But now, are you ready for the good part? He thinks that when you and him were little, you were both abducted and examined by space aliens. How brilliant is that? But he was completely serious when he told me this. Like you should've seen the look in his eyes. So, what's the story, dude? Were you abducted by a UFO or what? P.S. - Are your crabs gone yet?"

"[to his father] I was bleeding, I kept passing out, I wet my bed, and you never asked why!"

"[voiceover] The summer I was 8 years old, 5 hours disappeared from my life. 5 hours. Lost. Gone without a trace. Last thing I remember I was sitting on the bench at my Little League game. It started to rain. What happened after that remains a pitch black void."

"[voiceover] And as we sat there listening to the carolers, I wanted to tell Brian it was over now and everything would be okay. But that was a lie, plus, I couldn't speak anyway. I wish there was some way for us to go back and undo the past. But there wasn't. There was nothing we could do. So I just stayed silent and trying to telepathically communicate... how sorry I was about what had happened. And I thought of all the grief and sadness... and fucked up suffering in the world... and it made me want to escape. I wished with all my heart that we could just... leave this world behind. Rise like two angels in the night and magically... disappear."

"I am so sick of this stinkin' little buttcrack of a town!"

"I hate it when they look like Tarzan but sound like Jane."

"You called me your fucking... angel."

"Different folks, different strokes."

"I met Wendy Peterson when I was 10. She was 11, one grade ahead of me in school. If I wasn't queer we would have ended up having sloppy teenage sex and getting pregnant, contributing more fucked-up unwanted kids to society. But instead, she became my soulmate. And... one true partner in crime."

"Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?"

"Jordan-Patrick Marcantonio as 10th Grader (uncredited)"

"Steve Buscemi as Danny McGrath (uncredited)"

"Chris Farley as Bus Driver (uncredited)"

"Stacey Wheal as Jennifer (Grade 3)"

"Sean Lett as O'Doyle (Grade 12)"

"Matthew Ferguson as Tenth Grader"

"Benjamin Barrett as Tenth Grader"

"Tanya Grout as Joyce (Eric's Secretary)"

"Eduardo Gómez as Crazy Persons"

"Tex Konig as Crazy Persons"

"Amos Crawley as Rod"

"Jeff Moser as Paul"

"Colin Smith as O'Doyle (Grade 9)"

"Melissa Korzenko as Nancy Connors"

"Robert Smigel as Mr. Oblaski"

"Daniel Lerner-Ellis as Pothead"

"Jordan Lerner-Ellis as Pothead"

"Joyce Gordon as Lunch Lady"

"Frank Nakashima as Architect"

"Tim Herlihy as Architect"

"Diane Douglass as Nurse"

"Marcia Bennett as 4th Grade Teacher"

"Gladys O'Connor as Tour Guide"