"We split up on April Fool's Day. So I decided to let the joke run for a month. Every day I buy a can of pineapple with a sell-by date of May 1. May loves pineapple, and May 1 is my birthday. If May hasn't changed her mind by the time I've bought thirty cans, then our love will also expire."

"If my memory of her has an expiration date, let it be 10,000 years.."

"Chan Kam-Chuen – Manager of the takeaway restaurant 'Midnight Express'"

"Ted Beniades - Bartender"

"Bill Baldwin - Sports announcer"

"Angelique Pettyjohn - Go-Go dancer"

"Billie Bird - Chamber maid"

"Iris Adrian - Waitress"

"Carole Shelley - Gwendolyn Pigeon"

"David Sheiner - Roy"

"Larry Haines - Speed"

"Herb Edelman - Murray"

"Jack Lemmon - Felix Ungar"

"John Fiedler - Vinnie"

"Monica Evans - Cecily Pigeon"

"Walter Matthau - Oscar Madison"

"Tom Everett Scott as Phil Simmons"

"Marisa Tomei as Alice Decker-Simmons"

"Bette Midler as Diane Decker"

"Here come the grandparents. There go the rules."

"This Christmas it's a battle for the ages"

"Bailee Madison as Harper Decker-Simmons"

"Billy Crystal as Artie "Fartie" Decker"

"Joshua Rush as Turner Decker-Simmons"

"Kyle Harrison Breitkopf as Barker Decker-Simmons"

"Madison Lintz as Ashley"

"Mavrick Moreno as Cody"

"Tony Hawk as Himself"

"Daniel-Leon Kit as Dennis Browning"

"Steve Levy as Himself"

"Karan Kendrick as Pre-School Mom"

"Julius Caesar: Infamy! Infamy! They've all got in for me!"

"Doctor Kenneth Soaper: Matron, take them away!"

"Oh Matron...."

"Charles Kimbrough - Committee Counselor"

"M. Josef Sommer - Committee Chairman"

"Danny Aiello - Danny LaGattuta"

"Lloyd Gough - Delaney"

"David Margulies - Phelps"

"Joshua Shelley - Sam"