"Formica Davis: Well, it started off boring and slow, with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: '"Blah blah blah. You've got to believe me!"' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, '"Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that."' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation."

"Extra Big Ass Fries!"

"[the "Fuddruckers" company's name has changed over the years] Buttfuckers"

"Carl's Jr: Fuck you! I'm eating."

"If you don't smoke Tarrlytons... Fuck you!"

"After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason, and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants and that they wanted water."

"Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water virtually everywhere."

"Dwayne Elizondo Camacho …Five-time Ultimate Smackdown champion …Porn superstar …And president of the United States."

"Joe was about to learn, that in the future, justice was not only blind, but had become rather retarded as well."

"But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner city slang, and various grunts."

"Now, since you all say you ain't got no money, we have "proprietarily" obtained for you one of them court-appointed lawyers, so put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo!"

"I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here. We gonna see if we can come up with a verdict up in here!"

"Come on, scro! Don't be a pussy! Besides, you do a kick-ass job and you get a full pardon."

"Shit. I know shit's bad right now. With all that starving bullshit. And the dust storms. And we're running out of French Fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution."

"Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. Chill out."

"So you're smart, huh? I thought your head would be bigger. Looks like a peanut!"

"I'll base your ass on my fist! In your face, ass! Shut up!"

"What's the minus of 30 and 20?"

"If I had some money and a room at the White House, I'd be like, "It's mine, all night!""

"There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine."

"I like having sex with chicks."

"Go away! 'Batin'!"

"I like money."

"That's good, cause I charge by the hour."

"You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb-shits? Now you know why he built that bomb."

"Man! Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!!"

"People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories, so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting."

"Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho."

"Do you really want to live in a world where you’re trying to blow up the one person who is trying to help you?"

"You know things are bad when they're coming to me for answers."

"They're watering crops with a sports drink?"

"I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help."

"The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life."

"Elizabeth Coffey - Earnestine"

"Channing Wilroy - the prosecutor"

"Susan Lowe - Vikki"

"George Figgs - Dribbles"

"Paul Swift - Butterfly"

"Ed Peranio - Wink"

"Michael Potter - Gator Nelson"

"Susan Walsh - Chicklette Fryer"

"Cookie Mueller - Concetta"

"Edith Massey - Ida Nelson"

"Mink Stole - Taffy Davenport"

"Mary Vivian Pearce - Donna Dasher"

"David Lochary - Donald Dasher"

"Divine - Dawn Davenport / Earl Peterson"

"A high point in low taste."

"She has a lot of problems"

"Nice girls don't wear cha-cha heels."