"[After Danny asks him why he hasn't gone insane] Only does your nut in if you don't think you should be here. Look at me. Sweet old geezer, eh? A bit bumbly, full of jail-block wisdom, cornerstone of the nick, put in with the foundations, right? [scoffs] Right. I didn't get to be the oldest lag for breaking windows. Villains spend their lives shitting themselves that other criminals are going to see to them. So they get their retaliation in first, and twice as nasty. A bloke was coming after me. So I, er... I went around to his digs and lobbed a grenade in the window. Left over after the war, you know, army surplus. I didn't know, but he had his little nipper and his bird in there with him. [his eyes filling with tears] The house went up like Guy Fawkes' Night. No-one came out. He'd barricaded the door with furniture in case I came around. By the time they got in, the screaming had stopped. [crying] Thirteen months old, learning to walk, apparently. Nothing I can do is ever going to make up for that, is it?"

"Most of the guys in here have nothing. Never had to start with. But you, you had everything they ever dreamed of. And you threw it all away."

"Stick that in your trophy cabinet. [gives the game ball to the governor]"

"[Talking to the squad before the game] Oh right lads, you wanna be nothing, prisoners...numbers...that's fine. But you win out there today and you'll have something to remember forever, talk about it over and over, because up and down the country there are cons that are pig sick of not being here in your shoes...just to have one crack at those bastards next door! Run your guts out, and you'll have somethin' in 'ere. [points towards heart] They can never touch, no parole boards, judges or nutcase governors... NOW... ask yourselves one question...ARE YOU READY? [team replies glumly] ...YEAH, ARE WE? [team replies whole heartedly]...YEAH! THEN, COME ON!"

"[Explaining why he threw the England-Germany game] It's funny, but when you're in that football world, you just don't realise what it means to people. You only find out how disappointed they are, when you let them down. I was 16 when I signed pro forms. Thought I was the business. Didn't take long for standards to start slipping. Cars, booze, bad tips for slow horses... You think you can handle it, then bang, very soon it's handling you. Before I was picking up trophies, I was 425 grand down to men nasty enough... well, even they would have put the wind up Mr Sykes. But they did give me two choices - a wheelchair for life, or a deliberate penalty against the Germans. It's not as if I've prospered. Look where I've ended up."

"Nick: I'm on a special diet. No toxic waste."

"Wayne: Wait a second, Nick doesn't play baseball."

"Frank Welker as Special Vocal Effects (voice)"

"Jared Rushton as Ron Thompson"

"Thomas Wilson Brown as Russ Thompson, Jr."

"Kristine Sutherland as Mae Thompson"

"Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: The coach put me on these babies. You know what happened? I put on twenty pounds of pure unadulterated blitz-the-quarterback-and-rip-his-head-off muscle, Russell!"

"Matt Frewer as Russ Thompson, Sr."

"Robert Oliveri as Nick Szalinski"

"Amy O'Neill as Amy Szalinski"

"Marcia Strassman as Diane Szalinski"

"Rick Moranis as Wayne Szalinski"

"Stuart and Brian had young children back then and came up with this idea about shrunken kids. They pitched it to Disney and the studio was interested. So, they approached me about working with them and we came up with the story. When I was a kid on the East Coast, there was a comic strip in the Sunday edition of The New York Daily News called the Teenie-Weenies. It was one huge frame showing little people riding around on mice or sitting in thimbles and I just loved that. There was also a little guy or girl that you could cut out of the newspaper and paste on cardboard to play with. So, in a way, I was prepared for this sort of thing ever since I could hold a newspaper in my chubby little hands."

"They were kind of nervous. It was after Re-Animator had come out, and our kids were complaining that they couldn’t see these movies that we were making. We came up with the idea for Honey! I Shrunk the Kids, and took it to Disney. They liked it, and we developed it for them. We got Ed Naha, who wrote Dolls, which we had done together, to write the script. I was going to direct, and did all the planning and worked out the special effects, and two weeks before it started shooting I got sick and couldn’t do it. They got Joe Johnston to direct the film, and I was pretty pleased with the results…It’s funny. When people talk about [Honey! I Shrunk The Kids] they say, “It’s so different.” Really, it’s not that different than Re-Animator. It’s about a mad scientist and an experiment that goes wrong, and so forth…the potential for severing some heads was there, when you have a giant ant coming at you with those big mandibles. Who knows what could happen?"

"Nick: Hey, wait! I get it...French Class! [laughs]"

"Now I understand everyone's shit is emotional right now."

"Scarface — Upgrayedd"

"Jennifer Vasquez — Camacho's Groupie (uncredited)"

"Andrew Wilson — Beef Supreme"

"Justin Long — Dr. Lexus"

"Thomas Haden Church — Brawndo CEO"

"Mike McCafferty - Officer Collins"

"Stephen Root — Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW"

"Sara Rue — Attorney General"

"David Herman — Secretary of State"

"Brendan Hill — Secretary of Energy"

"Terry Crews — President Camacho"

"Dax Shepard — Frito Pendejo"

"Maya Rudolph — Rita"

"Luke Wilson — Corporal Joe "Not Sure" Bauers"

"Ow My Balls! Guy: Ow, my balls!"

"Robot Vacuum: Your floor—your floor is now clean."

"Dr. Lexus: Don't worry scro'! There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now."

"Dr. Lexus: Right... kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothing, but uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Uh, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know... ha ha, you know what I mean? Like... haha."

"Costco Greeter: Welcome to Costco, I love you... Welcome to Costco, I love you..."

"Time Machine Narrator: ...First to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world! ... But then an even greater force emerged: The un! [sic; United Nations] And the un un-nazied the world! Forever!"

"Various: I like money."

"Carl's Jr. Computer: Welcome to Carl's Jr. Would you like to try our EXTRA BIG ASS TACO? Now with more MOLECULES!"