"Oh, Aunt Agnes, just remember: you are not losing a niece, you are gaining a man who is... awfully good at croquet and who can probably greet the wedding guests in Greek, Latin... and hieroglyphics."

"I'm a beautiful, young virgin in Italy. I want my sexual awakening and I want it now!"

"Miss Ivory, having carefully considered the advantages and disadvantages, I feel it is my duty to ask you to become my wife so that no man may say a Trilling child might be a bastard."

"[writing in his diary, recording his first impressions of Emily] There is something about her slim, elegant figure that rather reminds me of Edward....hmmmmmm."

"Ten years, plus two for having pleaded not guilty, making thirteen years in all."

"I wish that Cedric was more like you. He is such a queer fellow and you're always... so gay."

"Robert Carradine as Donald "Don" Keeble"

"Zena Grey as Megan"

"Josh Peck as Robe"

"Jamie Kennedy as The Evil Ice Cream Man"

"Larry Miller as Principal Elliot T. Jindrake"

"Alex D. Linz as Max Keeble"

"[To Megan] Let's just round it off to all your money forever! From here on in, you work for me."

"Man, I thought I told you, their lunch money is mine, vendor."

"Man, why don't you go get a real job, fool?"

"Keeble! Caught your act in the assembly! Looks like you could use some help with managing your portfolio."

"I pound on kids. That's what I do. That's what I do! This can't happen to me. You know what they're calling me out there? The McGoogler!"

"[As a child, at Max's 4th birthday party] MacGoogles ate Max's daddy!"

"[To Robe] It's gonna be a long year for you, slim. I'm gonna pound you every day, and all thanks to your good friend, Keeble. Catch ya round, huh?"

"Told you it was gonna happen sooner or later, didn't I? Yes, I did! Yes, I did!"

"Keeble, I worked really hard on that display."

"[To Robe] Hello, freak!"

"[like Jack Torrance] Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Jinny!"

"[To Max] I'm going to come up with a punishment to you that is so severe that future generations will refer to it as...The Keeble."

"[To Max] You're a smart little boy...[leans forward] but so am I."

"Because of yesterday's crimes against the school, instigated by your former classmate, Max Keeble, the following extracurricular activities are now suspended: Art! Music! P.E.! FUN!! Suspended! Discontinued!! DEFUNCT!!"

"[To a young boy in the hallway] Oh, stop smiling! This isn't a Happy Place! [Knocks the boy's books to the ground]"

"Who?! WHO STARTED THIS?! If the culprit does not step forward THIS INSTANT, SWIFT and HORRIBLE RETRIBUTION awaits EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!"

"And let me just remind the citizens of Curtis Junior High that we are now T-minus...several hours until the Superintendent Knebworth visit. That is all. Thank you."

"I'm closing down the shelter, silly boy!"

"I don't care what you want me to do. The smelly goat will never get my car! Ever!"

"You may be under the impression that I encourage horseplay and malarky. I don't encourage it. I ex-courage it. It means the opposite of encourage. Look it up. And so, young man, remember, study rhymes with buddy. Scram."

"I've got my eye on you, Max Keeble. You're on my list."

"And now, without any further ado...what's that I hear? The pitter-patter of little feet? Allow me to introduce to you the newest addition to the Curtis Junior High School Cottontails! Three foreign exchange students from Eastern Europe and their names are...unimportant because they're here to lead us to gridiron glory! Why, all they need is a place to play! Students, I give you your new football stadium!"

"This Thursday, Superintendent Knebworth will be here to inspect the school. And so I am upgrading my policy of zero tolerance to one of...sub-zero tolerance, which is more than zero."

"And now, an announcement from your principal. This is Principal Jindrake. All students will report to the assembly hall during third period for a special presentation. Attendance is mandatory. All must attend. Not attending is prohibited. That is all. Thank you."

"[Repeated line] CEASE!"

"[To Robe in class] Dobbs says I have to give him all my money...[Irritable sigh] forever."

"[To garbage covered Max] This is a bad Junior High! I can't believed McGinty did that to you!"

"Max...where's your Bassoon?"

"[To Megan in class] McGinty says he's gonna pound me every day for the rest of my life."

"[Looks at his fingers] I can't feel my fingers."

"[To his father] If you rise up and show that you're not afraid...those people...will no longer have control over your lives."

"[To McGinty and Dobbs] No more being pushed around! No more being stepped on on! No more...Mr. Not...Nice guy!"

"[To Max] Plausable Deniability...yeah, did you just make that up?"

"[Sees a Coca Cola can rolling on the bus floor] Sweet! A can!"