"[to George] That's bad, man! You're lookin' good! Now here, take this radio. When you step out of here, step out like King Shit. You bad! Put that radio to your ear. That's gonna help cover your face. Just move with the rhythm of the music. Move your body with the rhythm of the music. That's all you gotta remember, okay? Let me see you try it. Step to the music. Step to the music. Yeah. Step to the music. Stop. How come you whiteys got such a tight ass, man? How are you gonna walk outta here with a tan face and that white walk? Just get into the music. Come on, George. Loosen up. Listen to the beat. Let your feet move. Now, do it! Can't you feel it? The tempo's right here. Right in there. That's all you gotta do. Yeah, now try it! Don't you feel it? Yeah. Needs work, George. Needs a lot of work. You know that? Will you practice? Man, you gotta practice, but let it be loose! Listen to the music. Follow the beat. Hear?"

"[running gag whenever he's ejected from the train in any manner] Son of a bitch!"

"You stupid, ignorant, son of a bitch, dumb bastard! Jesus Christ, I met some dumb bastards in time, but you outdo them all! Get over there!"

"Wait a second. Let's recap. Last night we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying. [Chester slaps him] Thanks, dude."

"Andy Dick - Mark"

"John Toles-Bey - Mr. Pizzacoli"

"Charlie O'Connell - Tommy"

"Hal Sparks - Zoltan- Cult leader"

"David Herman - Nelson"

"Kristy Swanson - Christie Boner"

"Marla Sokoloff - Wilma"

"Jennifer Garner - Wanda"

"Seann William Scott - Chester Greenburg"

"Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery"

"We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey."

"Dude, Where's My Car?"

"[Walking up to residence of Ostrich farmer with many signs expressing zero tolerance for trespassing] I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place."

"I refuse to let us go down in history as the dudes who destroyed the universe."

"There's something about your first piece."

"Chris Owen - Chuck Sherman"

"Jennifer Coolidge - Stifler's Mom"

"Mena Suvari - Heather"

"I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking use them?"

"Natasha Lyonne - Jessica"

"Eugene Levy - Jim's Dad"

"Seann William Scott - Steve Stifler"

"Eddie Kaye Thomas - Paul Finch"

"Tara Reid - Vicky Lathum"

"Shannon Elizabeth - Nadia"

"Alyson Hannigan - Michelle Flaherty"

"I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of...masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami". Yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud". [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" 5-6 times a day."

"Thomas Ian Nicholas - Kevin Myers"

"Chris Klein - Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher"

"Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein"

"Boy gets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets pie."

"Come again!"

"No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!"

"I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?"

"You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us."

"There's no access for you in this quadrant."

"[on stage making a fool of himself] Voting kicks ass right! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, and Al Donnelly kicks ass, and you put them both together and you got yourself some kick ass shit!"

"[on stage making a fool of himself] That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!"

"And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!""

"We've all been screwed by Governor Tracy, and now, I'm going to screw her!"

"Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now."

"[holding onto a small plant on a steep hill] Oh, thank you, little roots! Please stay strong [Root quickly gives and Mike falls to the foot of the mountain] What in the hell was that all about!?"

"[on Drake Sabitch] This guy is like Leatherface, Chucky, and Jan Brady all rolled into one."