"Hi, I'm George Lucas, you know lots of people say to me: "George? Why do you keep going back and tampering with the old Star Wars movies we love and keep creating crappy new ones we hate?" You know what I say to them? "You're fired!"."

"Hi, I'm George Lucas, Hollywood's most powerful Ewok."

"Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review so you've probably lost your remote control."

"You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, Britain's brainest potato…" and "You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, I am the eggman, Martha Kearney is the walrus…"

"Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig: love child of Bilbo Baggins and an Ewok…", and, "Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig, the original hobbit…"

"Welcome back to another special edition with me, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the secret love child of Alan Davies and Dougal from The Magic Roundabout…"

"Hello, I'm Natasha Kaplinsky — half television presenter, half prize-winning cat!"

"Hello, welcome to Fame Academy. I'm Patrick Kealty - I'm Irish, I got spikey hair so in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton. So much for theories! We've got twelve contestants, three judges, two viewers!"

"We must protect ourselves ... from the Visigoths, and the Huns, and the Barbarian Horde."

"[when asked whether 900 "portaloos" are needed for his soldiers] Well we can't have 20 soldiers to 1 shitter."

"Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money. More on that story later."

"My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Not a lot of people know that."

"My name is Greg Dyke, and I am director-general of the BBC. Shut up, I am!"

"The Iraqi people can look forward to a future free of intimidation and violins."

"Today the Iraqi people will be voting — whether they are Sonnies or Chers."

"You must remember that Al-Qaeda therapists despise the American way of life, and everything you and I hold to be queer…"

"[Referring to the end of the Iraq War] I give my word to the Iraqi people that American construction firms have arrived on the ground and will commence reincarnation immediately…"

"My fellow crustaceans..."

"My fellow Merkins…"

"My fellow Algorithms…"

"My fellow Abi Titmuses…"

"My fellow Bulgarians…"

"My fellow ostriches…"

"My fellow sea-beavers…"

"My fellow umbrellastands…"

"My fellow pelicans…"

"My fellow watermelons…"

"My fellow amoeboids…"

"My fellow Ugly Bettys..."

"My fellow animaniacs…"

"Mick? I will call you Mickus"

"We must bathe with the women slaves ... it will heighten the men's spirits before going into battle."

"We can't use the rivers as they have been infested by the plague."

"Is your friend one of those who would plot a war against me?"

"I once had the plans, but they were stolen by Proximo and Gracchus."

"Call MCMXXVI, that's MCMXXVI"

"Father to a mudered son, husband to a murdered wife ... but that's when I call Claims Direct! [cheesy music starts, Maximus walks through a call centre] If you've been involved in a motor accident that wasn't your fault, had a trip or fall anywhere, or had your family brutally murdered by the Empire's legionaires, call now."

"[Vader to Kenobi, about their baguette duel] Your bakery products are weak, old man!"

"[Kenobi to Darth Vader] You cannot win, Darth. If you strike me down, you will lose your No-Claims Bonus!"

"I can give you 2,000 now and 15,000 when we get to Aldershot."

"The color of my last car was a little on the dark side."

"Could it resist a tractor beam?"

"Could it outrun Imperial vessels?"

"A metric speedometer. Metric; no Imperial entanglements!"

"A long time ago I had a Ford Galaxy, far far away."

"A fine cargo hold; plenty of room for me, my apprentice, two Druids, and no questions asked."

"We need passage to Aldershot."

"Oh good, because France, Kasterborous is an absolute sh*thole!"

"When I was travelling, the girls wore big hats and polka-dotted skirts. He (Christopher Eccleston) gets to go around with Billie Piper, a good bit of skirt with a gob large enough to lose a submarine in. Not fair."

"(when asked why he was travelling in a train) Because the TARDIS was destroyed when I took it to Kwikfit!"