"Gigi: I lost my virginity in what I thought was a park but... it turned out to be a graveyard, and now the ghost spirits live inside my eggs waiting to be reborn."

"Will Forte - Doug Antsler"

"You can make yourself cum using only your mind? That's like the one thing my mind can't do."

"Triple A: I'm incredible at hand-jobs but I also got a fifteen-sixty on the SATs."

"Kristen Wiig - herald"

"Amanda Warren - healer"

"Stephen McHattie - zealot"

"Chris Gartin - adulterer"

"Laurence Leboeuf - maiden"

"Brian Gleeson - younger brother"

"Domhnall Gleeson - oldest son"

"Jovan Adepo - cupbearer"

"Sarah-Jeanne Labrosse - foremother"

"Ed Harris - man"

"Michelle Pfeiffer - woman"

"Emily Hampshire - fool"

"My wife loves having company."

"woman: You give, and you give, and you give. It's just never enough."

"[to Him's followers] MURDERERS! [to Him] MURDERER! It's time to get the FUCK... [scratches Him's face as his followers gasp] ...out of my house!"

"They've come to see me."

"herald: [to mother] The inspiration! Where have you been hiding? [to revolutionaries] Finish her."

"Jennifer Lawrence - mother"

"Javier Bardem - Him"

"Radio Man (Craig Castaldo) — himself"

"Victor Cruz — Fernando"

"David Thornton — Nick"

"Cameron Diaz — Carly Whitten"

"I swear, every time I look through a set of binoculars, he's got a new mistress."

"You slept with him, didn't you? One night and you went right back to being a Stepford."

"Kate Upton — Amber"

"Nikolaj Coster-Waldau — Mark King"

"If we find anymore mistresses I'm going to have to send her to rehab."

"We should kick him in the balls!"

"Taylor Kinney — Phil Hampton"

"Leslie Mann — Kate Hampton"

"Lydia: Selfish people live longer."

"Nicki Minaj — Lydia"

"Mark King: I wouldn't even be me without you. I might not always get it right, but I'm right where I want to be."

"The oddest friends are about to get even."

"The ultimate girls night in."