"Before this year, bullies were just bullies for no reason, weirdos were just weird, and daredevils weren't afraid of anything. Before this year, people I loved lived forever. I spent this year looking for something and wound up seeing everything around me. It's like I was asleep before and finally woke up. Know what? I'm wide-awake now."

"[looking across into girls' play yard] I don't know why they put this fence up. Why would anyone want to go over there, anyway?"

"A comedy that will raise your spirits and keep you laughing."

"Timothy Reifsnyder - Dave O'Hara"

"My name is Joshua A. Beal. I live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And I believe two things. Not all angels have wings. And sixth grade's got to be easier than this."

"Camryn Manheim - Sister Sophia"

"She Had All The Answers... Until Now!"

"First kisses. Outrageous pranks. A teacher with a killer fastball. To survive this year, Joshua Beal will have to stay..."

"Robert Loggia - Grandpa Beal"

"Mrs. Beal: [waking him] Joshua. Joshua. Joshua, please, you're a 5th grader today, you're almost a man."

"Denis Leary - Mr. Beal"

"Rosie O'Donnell - Sister Terry"

"Vicki Giunta - Sister Beatrice"

"Sister Terry: Joshua, why do you feel the need to do these things?"

"Those are the kids in my class. Kids in uniforms don't smile very much."

"Julia Stiles - Neena Beal"

"Joseph Cross - Joshua A. Beal"

"I don't like to brag, but if I appeared to you just as God—how I really am, what I really am—, your mind couldn't grasp it."

"It's a policy of Mine: I try not to work with more than one saviour at a time."

"Trust Me, like it says on the money."

"Rachel Longaker — Becky Landers"

"Carl Reiner — Dinah's guest"

"Wonderful Smith — Court Clerk"

"William Daniels — George Summers"

"Teri Garr — Bobbie Landers"

"Barnard Hughes — Judge Baker"

"Murphy Dunne — Stenographer"

"It's an almighty laugh!"

"I went to empty the garbage and two people blessed me. And then one of them blessed the garbage. And then he asked me if our children were conceived immaculately."

"Suppose—Just Suppose—God Told You To Spread The Word?"

"Put down that man—and women persons—their existence means exactly and precisely, not more, not one tiny bit less, just what they think it means, and what I think doesn't count at all."

"Jesus was My son. Buddha was My son. Muhammad, Moses, you, the man who said there was no room at the inn was My son."

"Oh, uh…I-I-I-I'm-I must have drove through, uh, a car wash wi-with my windows open?"

"Your Honour, I would like to call to the stand the Lord God."

""It's true. People have trouble remembering My Words. Moses had such a bad memory I had to give him tablets"."

"Anybody who could turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt, incinerate Sodom and Gomorrah and make it rain for forty days and forty nights has got to be a fun guy."

"George Burns — God"

"John Denver — Jerry Landers"

"Donald Pleasence — Doctor Harmon"

"Ralph Bellamy — Sam Raven"

"Paul Sorvino — Reverend Willie Williams"

"Dinah Shore — Herself"

"David Ogden Stiers — Mr McCarthy, District Produce Manager"

"Moosie Drier — Adam Landers"

"If you find it hard to believe in Me, maybe it would help you to know that I believe in you."

"I only know what is. Also, I'm very big on what was. On what isn't yet, I haven't got a clue."

"I don't do miracles. They're too flashy. And they upset the natural balance. … The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets. Before that, I think you have to go back to the Red Sea. That was a beauty."

"I'll tell ya something never came out: I made Adam seventeen. Eve was fifteen—sixteen, tops. I figured then sixteen, seventeen was middle aged, you know. Who knew people would live so long? Trees I figured had the best chance. Now I realise they were kids—babies. Young people can't fall from my grace; they're my best things. Put that down."