"I've lived a life of danger. I've used my body to find my soul, broken, beaten, as I get old. Now buckle up and enjoy the ride, it's almost time for me to fly."

"These guys are old, we paid our dues, so we're handing the torch to you."

"It's semen alright."

"[He is strapped down in a chair] I'm trapped! [Johnny pours honey all over his head] And you're putting honey on me! [Johnny then pours chunks of salmon on the chair near his crotch] And salmon? [The door opens and a bear roars as it comes in] Oh, my God! WHAT THE FUCK... IS GOING ON...?!"

"Okay. There's enough meat there."

"That bull didn't like fucking magic!"

"Hello, I am Johnny the Magnificent. Today I'm going to wow you with my supreme skills of prestidigitation."

"It felt like I got a 200 pound colonic up my ass."

"So here we are back at the bullring. Even at the time when I wanted to die, I wouldn't get in the bullring, you know. When life was it's least valuable I would have no part in this bullshit. And it's my least favorite thing. The movie's going so well, why the fuck are we doing this?"

"[After getting hit in the head by a speeding soccer ball] Yeah, that rang my bell. [Points to trailer behind him] I took a huge shit in there too."

"Preston should've pooped before he came to work today. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail."

"And if you're wondering if the curtains match the drapes, let me tell you, I tore those drapes out a long time ago."

"It's been a while since I ate the horse semen, but I think I prefer the pig. Bacon's better than horse meat right?"

"Milk milk lemonade. Around the corner fudge is made. Stick your finger up that hole. Now you've got a Tootsie Roll!"

"If you think we're wearing underwear under these tunics... you're sadly mistaken, my friend."

"A lot of people ask: "What will Jackass be like once we're older". Well, it'll get more mature."

"It ain't a bunch of NASA scientists over here, you know what I mean? This ain't a MENSA convention."

"I'm Poopies... big-time movie star. And today, we're big wave surfing."

"Is there an "antidope" here? Is that what it's called? Antivenom, not "antidope". What does "antidope" mean? I don't even know. What's "antidope"?"

"I went up high as a moose's caboose."