Jackass: The Movie

"The following stunts were performed by professionals, so neither you nor your dumb buddies should attempt anything from this movie."

"[Playing with a string attached to his penis] Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Jackass."

"[Puts the "Muscle Stimulator" on crotch] Right, let's zap my nuts."

"I'm Raab Himself and I'm a complete fucking idiot."

"I'm Weeman and this is a big cone."

"[Referring to bungee wedgie] This is like worse than a hanging."

"[Acting like an old man on a scooter] You're a nice man. Would you like to come over for dinner?"

"Now you're getting crazy with this shit. Ape! He's starting to lose it! Jesus Christ! Ape! I need toilet paper!"

"Hit me once at least. [Johnny Knoxville lightly face punches Butterbean] There ya go. [Butterbean full-on face punches Knoxville unconscious]"

"[About to receive a tattoo with both wrists taped in an off-road buggy] My name is Henry Rollins and this is Off-Road Tattoo!"

"This is designed to fuck you up!"

"Christian, motherfucker!"

"I can't believe he got that far!"

"Johnny Knoxville as Self/Irving Zisman"

"Brandon "Bam" Margera as Self"

"Stephen "Steve-O" Glover as Self"

"Chris Pontius as Self"

"Ryan Dunn as Self"

"Jason "Wee Man" Acuña as Self"

"Preston Lacy as Self"

"Dave England as Self"

"Ehren McGhehey as Self"

"Brandon DiCamillo as Self"

"April Margera as Self"

"Phil Margera as Self"

"Jess Margera as Self"

"Chris "Raab Himself" Raab as Self"

"Edward "Rake Yohn" Webb as Self"

"With stuff you'd never see on TV"

"Knoxville knocked my nuts in half!"

"Ryan Dunn: I could sure go for a Miller High Life..."

"I'm not too excited about this skit, it's not my favorite I've ever done, because there's a toy car in my butt. But this is the "Butt X-Ray"."

"[After many failed intro attempts, sigh] Goddamn, this is the BMX tug-of-war."

"Oh fuck, I feel like I have to shit my ass!"

"[Acting like an old man on a scooter] You're nice, you’re a kind man. Would you like to come over for dinner?"

"So we're finding it a little bit chilly in Japan, so we're going to warm ourselves up with some fireworks. [Proceeds to ride roller skates with rockets attached in Tokyo alley ways]"

"[Preparing to pole-vault into a septic river] Yeah, I've fucking been there before, dudes. It sucks."

"[After firing rockets out of anus] Like, an ember fell right on my cornhole, dude!"

"[Referring to getting a full tattoo on back of himself giving both thumbs up] Yeah dude!"

"I am so glad I turned this idea down."

"Dude they're telling me the parasites in there can fucking crawl through your anything like even my dick hole, I'm like so I wanted to put like a rubber on, but no one has a rubber. Dude fucking after all that pussy and my dick goes down because of this shit"

"[While preparing the wasabi to snort it] Chopsticks are so stupid!"

"That's Danger Ehren, a.k.a. "Who?" and that's Dave England, a.k.a. "Why?""

"I guess I don't have any last words. I'm just going to kill myself once I lose my weiner."

"[To Tokyo fortune telling senior man] Wait a minute. I already know my fortune, it's partying! [Rips off tracksuit and starts dancing causing the fortune teller to run out of the booth]"

"[After being swatted by a wild puma cat while wearing a foam rubber mouse costume] I don't like him. He's mean."

"Hi, I'm Bunny the Lifeguard, any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming, I'm gonna wrestle them down, and probably have my way with them."

"[Opening line] Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!"

"Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and we're about to test my rocket skates."

"Did you see the way I stopped the beanbag with my stomach? That's instinct. You can't teach that."