Once Upon a Girl

"[after the Cinderella story wraps up] and they lived happily ever after. Well now Didn't that end nice? fairy tales always end like that don't they?... Bullshit! You wanna know why they ended like that? Because they were afraid to tell the truth. Do you want to see what happily ever after was really like? [angry] Okay I'll show you happily ever after! This is what it was like 20 years into that beautiful sunset. The kingdom continued to slide into bankruptcy because the Prince couldn't get out of bed long enough to run it properly. Cinderella started popping kids out of her belly like biscuits from an oversexed oven until her figure was shot, Morta and the stepsisters ran out of money and had to move into the castle, because that was the easiest way to support them. The prince took to fooling around with the local talent and got crabs, the stepsisters kept complaining, the kids kept crying, Morna nagged and bitched, the prince bitched and itched, and Cinderella grew old before her time, that kiddies is what "lived happily ever after" is really like!"

"[after a squirrel bites Jack's penis for humping it's tree] That's no way to collect nuts in May. [squirrel gives her the finger]"

"[after the judge asks her if she's really Mother Goose] You're fucking A right I am!"

"[preparing to tell the story of Jack and the Beanstalk] Well, um, I guess I'd better start at the fucking beginning."

"[as Jack and the frog hear strange noises at the giant’s castle] Why don’t you crawl under the door dummy?"

"[as Jack is about to suck the cow] Now wait a minute baby cakes your mother told you not to molest that cow anymore! She don't give for the little milk anyway."

"[after his frog climbs out of a woman's mouth] Wow that's what I call a h-h-headjob."

"[about his mother learning about trading the cow for the beans and beating him for it] Boy was she sore and now so is my ca-ca-ca- ass! Gee I wish I hadn't sold the cow just so I could suck on that gypsy's ti-ti-tits, [to his frog] Remember those tits, Froggy? [Froggy nods] Wow, those were the softest things I ev-ev-ev wow! [gets a boner] and those ni-ni-nipples oh boy that warm wet fu-fu-fuzzy little pu-pu-pussy, woo hoo hoo hoo shit, I get h-h-horny just thinking about her again w-w-wow!, watch out Froggy I'm gonna cu-cu-cu... [ejaculates out the window which splashes on the beans causing them to grow]"

"[after Little Red Riding Hood offers him money to let her pass] Screw thy shilling! Thy lush young body are trade for thy fare, sayeth I."

"[having sex with Little Red Riding Hood] Fucketh you harlot bitch, fucketh!"

"[yawning after having sex with Little Red Riding Hood] Thou it was a ripe annual fucketh Miss, thy firey cunt will stir pleasing memories, please if it pleases you proceed to yonder wedding."

"Bedtime Stories For Grown-Ups"

"Uncut, Uncensored & Incredibly Unsuitable for Children!"

"Hal Smith as Mother Goose (live action segments)"

"Frank Welker as Jack / Fairy Godmother / Prince / Additional voices"

"Richmond Johnson"

"Carol Piacente"

"Kelly Gordon"

"Lorenzo Music as Various"

"Hal Smith as Mother Goose"