"[On her exit from the porn industry] The other girls leave with a bad taste in their mouth and they... and I just... I have nothing but good memories when I look back."

"William Margold as Self"

"Sunset Thomas as Self"

"Shelley Lubben as Self"

"Seka as Self"

"Tiffany Million as Self (as Sandra Scott)"

"Richard Pacheco as Self"

"Raylene as Self"

"Randy West as Self"

"Nina Hartley as Self"

"[Mr. Greenfield ejaculates after having sex with Debbie] This is red-white Dallas special. [cheering; Captions read “TOUCHDOWN FOR MR. GREENFELD” “SCORE ONE FOR DEBBIE”]"

"Vivid color for ladies and gentlemen over 21 years"

"EVERYONE ON THE TEAM SCORES WHEN HER POM-POMS FLY!"

"Much like Spider-man uses his “Spidey Sense” to divine trouble within his vicinity, Bat Pussy utilizes her “Twitching Twat” to predict pending sex crimes. Hiding out in a Tardis-like outhouse, Dora Dildo spends her days pacing back and forth in a nightgown waiting for her “secret twat”(?) to signal that “… someone’s about ta make a fuck movie in my holy Gotham City!”"

"We also hear either the director, or the camera man, let out a loud, long belch during one shot. This belch has been attributed to Buddy by some. However, upon closer inspection, one can clearly hear Buddy moaning at the same moment the belch occurs."

"[First lines] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Dragon Art Theatre. Before the program starts this evening however, a word of warning and caution: The films you are about to see are “adult” motion pictures, rated “X”. If you do not understand what an adult motion picture is, or if you would be offended by frank and intimate scenes, then we urge you not to view these motion pictures."

"Darlin’, you got the biggest pussy in the world!"

"If I’m fuckin’ you in the ass it don’ make no difference whether it’s you, or a man, cuz it don’ make a goddamn [unintelligible] cuz I’m gonna get me some good ass."

"I'm talkin' about gettin' down solid, baby!"

"I’ma stick my tongue so far up yer pussy it’s gonna come out yer mouth."

"I’ma take my secretary an’ fuck her in tha ass, then I’ma come home an’ let you suck my dick!"

"[after fingering Sam] What’s this white stuff? Now, that’s cum. Now, you shoulda tol’ me dinner was ready."

"Why don't you kiss my ass, my money makin' ass."

"I'm getting a divorce tomorrow. My lawyer's better in the morning bed than you are."

"Apparently we’re to believe that [Buddy’s erectile disfunction] has been going on for the duration of their union, which we are told, has been 9 or 11 loooong years. Why do they stay in this relationship? We hope that other aspects of their lives are more rewarding. Buddy is shown to be tender at various times, even telling his wife at one point that she has a “tremendous pussy”, although he could be referring to the size."

"I need you to lift up your head, Sam. Get on your hands and knees, baby."

"BAT PUSSY, technically, cannot be referred to as a “fuck movie” since there is no discernable “fucking” in it. The reason for this is that the lead, “Buddy” - an Evel Knievel look-alike with a tattoo of a running hog on his ass - just can’t seem to get it up."

"You don't even know how to fuck. You wouldn't know how if you was doin' your grandmother."

"“We could make beautiful movies together.” says Buddy to his wife after skimming through his issue of SCREW. Buddy is mistaken. There is absolutely, without a doubt, no fucking way that these two white trash, out of shape, drunk on Schlitz yokels could even begin to make anything resembling beauty on film. How do we know this? The proof is right there on VHS."

"Frank Welker as Jack / Fairy Godmother / Prince / Additional voices"

"[after the Cinderella story wraps up] and they lived happily ever after. Well now Didn't that end nice? fairy tales always end like that don't they?... Bullshit! You wanna know why they ended like that? Because they were afraid to tell the truth. Do you want to see what happily ever after was really like? [angry] Okay I'll show you happily ever after! This is what it was like 20 years into that beautiful sunset. The kingdom continued to slide into bankruptcy because the Prince couldn't get out of bed long enough to run it properly. Cinderella started popping kids out of her belly like biscuits from an oversexed oven until her figure was shot, Morta and the stepsisters ran out of money and had to move into the castle, because that was the easiest way to support them. The prince took to fooling around with the local talent and got crabs, the stepsisters kept complaining, the kids kept crying, Morna nagged and bitched, the prince bitched and itched, and Cinderella grew old before her time, that kiddies is what "lived happily ever after" is really like!"

"[after a squirrel bites Jack's penis for humping it's tree] That's no way to collect nuts in May. [squirrel gives her the finger]"

"[after the judge asks her if she's really Mother Goose] You're fucking A right I am!"

"[preparing to tell the story of Jack and the Beanstalk] Well, um, I guess I'd better start at the fucking beginning."

"[as Jack and the frog hear strange noises at the giant’s castle] Why don’t you crawl under the door dummy?"

"[as Jack is about to suck the cow] Now wait a minute baby cakes your mother told you not to molest that cow anymore! She don't give for the little milk anyway."

"[after his frog climbs out of a woman's mouth] Wow that's what I call a h-h-headjob."

"[about his mother learning about trading the cow for the beans and beating him for it] Boy was she sore and now so is my ca-ca-ca- ass! Gee I wish I hadn't sold the cow just so I could suck on that gypsy's ti-ti-tits, [to his frog] Remember those tits, Froggy? [Froggy nods] Wow, those were the softest things I ev-ev-ev wow! [gets a boner] and those ni-ni-nipples oh boy that warm wet fu-fu-fuzzy little pu-pu-pussy, woo hoo hoo hoo shit, I get h-h-horny just thinking about her again w-w-wow!, watch out Froggy I'm gonna cu-cu-cu... [ejaculates out the window which splashes on the beans causing them to grow]"