"[speaking at Libby's funeral] Most of us here grew up with Libby Holden. She was our friend. She was our big sister. She bullied us, went after us, and worst of all, she remembered everything about us. All those young promises made, everything we wanted to be, everything we wanted the world to be — she remembered them all in the original wording. She wrote me a note before she died. [fighting tears as he reads it] "I am so fucking disappointed in you. Shape up!" I am so sorry that I disappointed her, and I am so sorry that I can't stand before her and promise to do better. She lent us all her warmth, her idealism, her madness. She had the most amazing heart."

"[about Jack Stanton] He's poked his pecker in some sorry trash bins."

"Mykelti Williamson - Dewayne Smith"

"Your grandfather was a great man. Jack Stanton could also be a great man, if he wasn't such a faithless, thoughtless, disorganized, undisciplined shit."

"Billy Bob Thornton - Richard Jemmons"

"Comes The Story Of A Man Who Says Yes To Destiny But Couldn't Say No To Anything Else"

"Bill Maher - himself"

"Gia Carides - Cashmere McLeod"

"Sophia Choi - herself"

"The only shot we have here is to be perfect."

"John Vargas - Lorenzo Delgado"

"Robert Cicchini - Jimmy Ozio"

"Marc Shaiman - News Theme Writer"

"John Cusack - Angry Messenger"

"Joan Cusack - Blair Litton"

"Christian Clemenson - Bobby"

"Jack Nicholson - Bill Rorich"

"Albert Brooks - Aaron Altman"

"Holly Hunter - Jane Craig"

"Robert Prosky - Ernie Merriman"

"William Hurt - Tom Grunick"

"Lois Chiles - Jennifer Mack"

"[to Jane] And if things had gone differently for me tonight then I probably wouldn't be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: he personifies everything that you've been fighting against. And I'm in love with you. How do you like that? I buried the lede."

"Blair Litton: [to Jane] Except for socially, you're my role model."

"[to Jane] I think we have the kind of friendship where if I were the devil, you'd be the only one I would tell."

"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?"

"Faith Prince - Alice"

"Laura Linney - Randi"

"Bonnie Hunt - White House Tour Guide"

"Tom Dugan - Jerry"

"Ben Kingsley - Vice-President Nance"

"Charles Grodin - Murray Blum"

"Stephen Root - Don Durenberger"

"Sigourney Weaver - Ellen Mitchell"

"Frank Langella - Bob Alexander"

"Kevin Dunn - Alan Reed"

"Kevin Kline - Dave Kovic / Bill Mitchell"

"Dave Kovic was an ordinary guy who was asked to impersonate the President. When they gave him a chance to make the country better...he did."

"Ving Rhames - Duane Stevenson"

"She's great. She's really exotic. She's a princess. She's Polynesian — well, half Polynesian, and half American. She's... Amnesian."

"[singing in the shower] Hail to the chief / He's the one we all say "Hail" to. / We all say "Hail" / 'Cause he keeps himself so clean! / He's got the power, / That's why he's in the shower..."

"If you've ever seen the look on somebody's face the day they finally get a job, I've had some experience with this, they look like they could fly. And it's not about the paycheck, it's about respect, it's about looking in the mirror and knowing that you've done something valuable with your day. And if one person could start to feel this way, and then another person, and then another person, soon all these other problems may not seem so impossible. You don't really know how much you can do until you, stand up and decide to try."

"I forgot that I was hired to do a job for you and that it was just a temp job at that. I forgot that I had two hundred and fifty million people who were paying me to make their lives a little better and I didn't live up to my part of the bargain. See, there are certain things you should expect from a President. I ought to care more about you than I do about me... I ought to care more about what's right than I do about what's popular. I ought to be willing to give this whole thing up for something I believe in."

"In a country where anybody can become President, anybody just did."

"I like to watch."

"Shirley MacLaine - Eve Rand"

"Melvyn Douglas - Ben Rand"

"Oteil Burbridge - Lolo"

"Richard McKenzie - Ron Steigler"

"James Noble - Kaufman"