"Freddy, as a younger man, I was a sculptor, a painter, and a musician. There was just one problem: I wasn't very good. As a matter of fact, I was dreadful. I finally came to the frustrating conclusion that I had taste and style, but not talent. I knew my limitations. We all have our limitations, Freddy. Fortunately, I discovered that taste and style were commodities that people desired. Freddy, what I am saying is: know your limitations. You are a moron."

"A poacher who shoots at rabbits may scare big game away."

"Louis Zorich - Nikos, the Greek millionaire"

"Ian McDiarmid - Arthur"

"Goldie Hawn - Gwen Duncle/Buckley/Phillips"

"Dana Delany - Becky Metcalf"

"She came. She saw. She moved in."

"Marty: What are you, insane? Why didn't you just kick him in the balls and tell him he has ugly children?"

"Julie Harris - Edna Davis"

"I really didn't intend for it to get this elaborate, it's just that everyone around here keeps treating me like I'm somebody... except you."

"She's turning his house into a home...hers!"

"Christopher Durang - Reverend Lipton"

"Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit."

"Oh, grow feathers and go shit in a tree."

"Half the things we tell ourselves are fiction."

"Laurel Cronin - Mary / Mary Duncle"

"Ken Cheeseman - Harv"

"Steve Martin - Newton Davis"

"Donald Moffat - George Davis"

"Peter MacNicol - Marty"

"Richard B. Schull - Ralph/Bernie Duncle"

"What do you say, Gwen? "Gwen" do you get off... and "gwhere" can we "gwo"?"

"Roy Cooper - Winston Moseby"

"I don't want your money. I will take the furniture, though."

"[looking at FedEx truck coming into his street] See that FedEx truck? Every day, it delivers important papers to people all around the world. And one day, it is going to stop here, and a man is going to walk up and casually toss a couple of FedExes on my desk. And at that moment, we- and by we, I mean me - will be important."

"Marisol Nichols as Young audition actress"

"Alfred De Contreas as Martinez"

"Ramiro Fabian as Hector"

"Kohl Sudduth as Slater"

"Adam Alexi Malle as Afrim"

"Barry Newman as Hal"

"Alejandro Patino as Sanchez"

"John Cho as Nightclub cleaner"

"Phill Lewis as Audition actor"

"Jamie Kennedy as Dave"

"Heather Graham as Daisy"

"Eddie Murphy as Kit Ramsey / Jefferson "Jiff" Ramsey"

"Christine Baranski as Carol"