"[Yelling outside the bar after Howard won't marry her because he is gay and after Peter Malloy turns down her advances because he is also gay] Is everybody gay? Is this The Twilight Zone?"

"Excuse me, are we a little teapot?"

"For God's sake, don't shake that booty!"

"Think of John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold doesn't dance, he can hardly walk."

"Truly manly men do NOT dance."

"Well, how did you do... prissy boy?"

"Glenn Close: [at the Academy Awards] This is Cameron's first nomination and he's in extremely good company. Tonight he joins fellow best actor nominee Paul Newman for "Coot", Clint Eastwood for "Codger", Michael Douglas for "Primary Urges" and Steven Seagal for "Snowball in Hell"."

"Cameron: Maybe I should thank someone else. Someone who's really been there, someone who taught me a lot, about poetry and Shakespeare, and just, y'know, stayin' awake, man. Someone who's just an overall great guy, a great teacher... to Howard Brackett from Greenleaf, Indiana! And he's gay. Y'know, I've been thinking alot about this night, and I've decided to dedicate this whole night to a great, gay teacher. Mr. Brackett, WE WON!"

"Frank Brackett: [about Cameron] He used to mow our lawn. Never again."

"Peter Malloy: A teacher in trouble. A town under siege. A journey to the heartland. Stay tuned."

"Berniece: I need that wedding. I need some beauty and some music and some placecards before I die. It's like heroin."

"Reporter: Should gays be allowed to handle fresh produce?"

"Sonja: I don't have time. I promised to do that photo shoot this afternoon. I have to shower and vomit!"

"Ava Blazer: [after one of the girls announces that she's gay] You can't be gay! You're a tramp!"

"Kevin Kline - Howard Brackett"

"Joan Cusack - Emily Montgomery"

"Tom Selleck - Peter Malloy"

"Matt Dillon - Cameron Drake"

"Debbie Reynolds - Berniece Brackett"

"Wilford Brimley - Frank Brackett"

"Bob Newhart - Tom Halliwell"

"Gregory Jbara - Walter Brackett"

"Shalom Harlow - Sonya"

"Shawn Hatosy - Jack"

"Zak Orth - Mike"

"Lauren Ambrose - Vicky"

"Alexandra Holden - Meredith"