"Dorothy Baker: [to Jake Ryan on the phone] Now you listen to me, mister! God did not put me on this Earth to be awakened by filthy suggestions from a foul-mouthed hooligan like you! And as for our granddaughter, I'm sure she has more than enough sense to stay clear of the likes of you! Now goodnight and goodbye!"

"Ginny Baker: I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored of me. I mean, I've had men who've loved me before, but not for six months in a row."

"No more yanky my wanky The Donger need food!"

"Oh, sexy girlfriend!"

"What's happenin', hot stuff?"

"[to his buddies, after knocking over a beer can stack] Very nice! We're here five minutes, and I–! I'm at a loss!"

"Wease, we've got seventy dollars and a pair of girl's underpants. We're safe as kittens."

"Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life and I'm like a disease."

"I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek."

"Sometimes you have this bubbling up feeling, this certain sort of rage."

"Peter Outerbridge — Judy"

"Beatrice Zeilanger — Bernice"

"Jay Brazeau — Mr. L. B. Marcus, Canada Customs"

"Tony Nappo — Tony"

"Kevin Mundy — Paul"

"Marya Delver — Carla"

"Ann-Marie MacDonald — Frances"

"Christina Cox — Kim"

"Karyn Dwyer — Maggie"

"Wendy Crewson — Lila"

"Of course it's obscene! That's the point!"

"Ouch, it's the plight of the bisexual. Gay girls won't play with you."

"Customs held up another order of books at the border. They're claiming the books are pornographic… hello? Which they aren't. Well, maybe Butches in Chains is, but so what?"

"You're not bisexual, Carla — you're omnisexual! You're like that tornado in the Wizard of Oz, sweeping up everything in your path."

"I read a study and after the age of forty a woman's chances of having sex are diminished by eighty percent. So, after fifty, God help you. And since I probably won't be having sex again, chocolate is the only pleasure left for me."

"Richard Gere — Edward Lewis"

"Larry Miller — Mr. Hollister"

"Hector Elizondo — Hotel Manager Barney Thompson"

"Elinor Donahue — Bridget"

"Amy Yasbeck — Elizabeth Stuckey"

"Alex Hyde-White — David Morse"

"Laura San Giacomo — Kit De Luca"

"Jason Alexander — Philip Stuckey"

"Ralph Bellamy — James Morse (final film role)"

"Julia Roberts — Vivian Ward"

"I think you have a lot of special gifts, Edward."

"I appreciate the whole seduction thing you've got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I'm a sure thing."

"You'll buy a snap dog and we'll cop a squat under a tree or somewhere."

"The bad things are easier to believe. Haven't you noticed that?!"

"The first guy I've ever loved was a total nothing. The second was worse. My mom called me a bum magnet. There was a bum in a fifty mile radius, I was completely attracted to him."

"People always do what you tell them to do? ...I guess so."

"Honey, I've got a runner in my pantyhose. I'm not wearing pantyhose."