"One day we're going to discover a brand new sex act, one that's never been performed before. And we hope you'll be with us on that day of carnal rapture!"

"Selma Blair - Caprice Stickles"

"Filthy little hedges, growing all dirty! Makes me sick!"

"I'm just Sylvia Stickles, I'm a horny woman with a head injury."

"PINK STEEL!"

"Help me to keep my sexual sobriety!"

"A concussion is a terrible thing to waste."

"Did you see those new neighbors moving in? Grown men with hairy legs prancing around half-naked? "We're bears." What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

"I'm going to call the postmaster general — if he's not whacking off! — and report your potty mouth!"

"Chris Isaak - Vaughn Stickles"

"Patricia Hearst - Paige"

"Mink Stole - Marge the Neuter"

"Suzanne Shepherd - Big Ethel"

"Johnny Knoxville - Ray Ray Perkins"

"I read in the paper the other day that the average married couple has sex over 100 times a year! That's a lie, people would be raw if that was true!"

"I'm Sylvia Stickles and I've got the itch!"

"Rick Morrow - Ricky"

"Susan Lowe - Cavalcade pervert"

"Cookie Mueller - Cookie Divine / Cavalcade Patron"

"David Lochary - Mr. David"

"Divine - Lady Divine"

"Mary Vivian Pearce - Bonnie / Cavalcade Patron"

"Edith Massey - Edith / Virgin Mary"

"I was in agony! I had been raped before but never in such an unnatural and brutal way!"

"[going through someone else's wallet] What ugly children they have!"

"It was then that I realized that she was using her rosary as a tool of erotic pleasure! She made me get into a kneeling position. My head was spinning. And all at once, she inserted her rosary into one of my most private parts!"

"Joni Ruth White - La Rue"

"Mary Garlington - Lu-Lu Fishpaw"

"Hans Kramm - Heintz"

"I usually sleep in churches, you know, in the confessionals. They lock all the churches up at night now because of all the thieves and they never check the confessionals. Saturday nights are the only problem, and nights that are holy days because of early masses the next day. And Lent, shit, forget it, I gotta hang in synagogues then, and it's just not the same thing if you know what I mean."

"Smelling is believing."

"Edith Massey - Cuddles Kovinsky"

"David Samson - Elmer Fishpaw"

"Ken King - Dexter Fishpaw"

"Mink Stole - Sandra Sullivan"

"George Hulse - School Principal"

"Yes folks, this isn't any cheap X-rated movie or any 5th rate porno play, this is the show you want! Lady Divine's cavalcade of perversions, the sleaziest show on earth! Not actors, not paid impostors, but real actual filth who have been carefully screened in order to present to you the most flagrant violation of natural law known to man! These assorted sluts, fags, dykes and pimps know no bounds! They have commited acts against God and nature, acts that by their mere existence would make any decent person recoil in disgust!"

"Ricky! Ricky! Bring me something strong, something I can get off on!"

"If it wasn't for me you'd still be back in Boston doing poodle-nappings from those old bitches."

"It'll Blow Your Nose!"

"It's Scentsational!"

"Mink Stole - Mink / Cavalcade Patron"

"I got ants in my pants!"