"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

"Tell you what. You build it and I'll fill it. Oh and you might need this. [Holds up a book titled "Ark Building for Dummies"]"

"(appears at Congress and recites the the Pledge of Allegiance) I pledge allegiance to the flag under the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under me indivisible and liberty and justice for all."

"I now issue a new commandment: "Thou shalt do the dance.""

"Dean Norris - Officer Collins"

"Bruce Gray - Congressman Hughes"

"[With his arms and staff outstretched to the looming Memorial Bridge, as the Ark is fast approaching it.] I command thee halt! Stop! Woah! [Nothing happens] How about a little help here?! [Suddenly the whole right side of the Ark falls dark, as a massive wave four times the size and height of the Ark rises up and crashes down redirecting its path instantly down Capital Mall.]"

"Paul Collins - Congressman Stamp"

"And he wanted me to wear this robe because he thought it would be funny."

"(Joan and the kids have just left him) I know, I know. Everything you do, you do because you love me. (A sprinkler blasts him in the face) Do me a favor; love me less!"

"Madison Mason - Congressman Dodds"

"Flooding into cinemas soon."

"(two wolves growl at Long) Don't look now Congressman but the wolves are here. Although I wouldn't worry so much about these wolves but those. (Evan gestures to the angry members of Congress standing behind Long)"

"Brian Howe - Builder"

"SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!!!"

"Jon Stewart - Himself"

"(to Evan) Build the ark. And if anybody asks, just say, a flood is coming."

"People, the flood is imminent! (nothing happens) IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A LITTLE PRECIPITATION!?"

"Harve Presnell - Congressman Burrows"

"Molly Shannon - Eve Adams"

"Graham Phillips - Jordan Baxter"

"[signing off for the last time] I feel like that old Indian in front of all the garbage. So, for the last time, this is Evan Baxter for Eyewitness News. Goodnight."

"[after the Ark crashes into Congress) We can walk from here."

"Jonah Hill - Eugene"

"Johnny Simmons - Dylan Baxter"

"John Michael Higgins - Marty Stringer"

"Jimmy Bennett - Ryan Baxter"

"Ed Helms - Ed Carson"

"(to Long after the Ark crashes into Congress] Hello Congressman. Mind if I park my boat here?"

"Wanda Sykes - Rita Daniels"

"Steve Carell - Evan Baxter"

"Morgan Freeman - God"

"God has a great design. Guess who's building it?"

"Lauren Graham - Joan Baxter"

"P.J. Byrne - Evan's Staffer #1"

"[Is using ancient tools to build the ark] Ever heard of Home Depot!?"

"Evan help us."

"Catherine Bell - Susan Ortega (uncredited)"

"John Goodman - Congressman Long"

"Rachael Harris - Ark Reporter"

"Jim Doughan - Neighbor (man)"

"Maile Flanagan - Mail Person"

"Why are all of these animals following Evan Baxter? God only knows."