"[first lines] I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms."

"It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus. Now they probably didn't de-stem, hoping for some semblance of concentration, crushed it up with leaves and mice, and then wound up with this rancid tar and turpentine bullshit."

"Sandra Oh - Stephanie"

"If anyone orders Merlot I am leaving. I am not drinking fucking Merlot!"

"Virginia Madsen - Maya"

"Thomas Haden Church - Jack"

"Paul Giamatti - Miles"

"Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole!"

"You don't understand my plight."

"[Describing her passion for wine] I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it's an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I'd opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it's constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your '61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline."

"To open a bottle of 61 cheval blanc is enough reason to open a bottle of 61 cheval blanc."

"I feel like a thumbprint on the skyscraper of life."

"[Describing his passion for Pinot Noir] It's uh, it's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It's, you know, it's not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it's neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and... ancient on the planet.""

"[Telling the hospital staff therapy jokes] So the psychiatrist has a patient. He draws a circle and says, "What do you think of when you see this?" He says "Sex." [The staff laugh.] That's not the joke yet, wait a second. He draws a picture of a tree and says "What do you think of that one when you see it?" He says "Sex." All right, then he draws a picture of a car, a house: "Sex. Sex. Sex." The doctor says, "You know you're obsessed with sex." And the patient says "Well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures." [The staff laugh.]"

"Bob (husband)"

"Lily (Leo's sister)"

"Siggy (son)"

"Anna (daughter)"

"Fay (wife)"

"Susan Willis - Mrs. Guttman"

"Tom Aldredge - Mr. Guttman"

"Kathryn Erbe - Anna Marvin"

"Charlie Korsmo - Sigmund 'Siggy' Marvin"

"Julie Hagerty - Fay Marvin"

"Richard Dreyfuss - Dr. Leo Marvin"

"Bill Murray - Bob Wiley"

"Bob's a special kind of friend. The kind that drives you crazy!"

"[Telling another joke to the hospital staff] Roses are red, violets are blue; I'm a schizophrenic...and so am I. [staff laugh]"

"Hello, my name is Bob. Would you knock me out, please?"

"[To the Guttmans, who saw him push Bob into the lake] WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?! I HAD EVERY RIGHT TO BUY THIS HOUSE!"

"Son of a bitchin', BOB!"

"We're from the Manchester United fan club from... [anxiously gulps] Ohio..."

"J.P. Manoux as Robot Man"

"Molly Schade as Candy"

"Go Go Jean Michel Francis as the Groovy Cakes Amsterdam bakery server"

"Patrick Rapold as Christoph"

"Dominic Raacke as German-speaking trucker"

"Rade Serbedzija as Tibor (as Rade Sherbedgia)"

"Steve Hytner as Green Fairy"

"Walter Sittler as Mieke's Father"

"Jana Pallaske as Anna, The Camera Store Girl"

"Lucy Lawless as Madame Vandersexxx"

"Fred Armisen as Creepy Italian Guy"

"Vinnie Jones as Mad Maynard"

"Matt Damon as Donny (frontman for Lustra"