"Frontman Donny of rock band Lustra: [Taps on microphone to get attention of the party] Hey, listen up, everybody. Gotta a little special thing I'd like to do tonight. Going to play a little song for you about the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know... Fiona. [Fiona bursts out from crowd and jumps on stage] This one's for you, baby. Happy anniversary. [Band starts playing] Scotty doesn't know, that Fiona and me, do it in my van every Sunday. She tells him she's in church. But she doesn't go. Still she's on her knees, and Scotty doesn't know... Oh, Scotty doesn't know... So don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know... [Scott watches unimpressed]"

"Madame Vandersexxx: He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand."

"PC Mail Notification: Beep-beep! Mail Motherfucker!"

"Donny: Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday."

"Weird Italian Guy: [On train] Mi Scusi!"

"[Spots a rival football fan in Paris] Hey lads, that wanker's got a frog football shirt on, let's give this Nancy a fucking good kickin'! Come on lads, it's goin' off! [Hooligans all chase the French football fan]"

"If you're not a Manc, you're a wank!"

"[In bus being deliberately driven on left-side of motorway with all traffic swerving to side] Come on, you're on the wrong side of the road you snail eating poofs, fuck off! Get out of it, you wankers! Go on, you Gallic fucking garlic breath tossers! Piss off! Get in here and say that ya bloody Ita-i Shite-ies! C'mon! Fucking come and have it! You fucking beep!?! We'll beep you bastards all over your fucking nose! Fuck off! Go on, you French bastards! Get on the other side of the road, you pricks! Go on out of it! Fuck off!"

"[To Jenny] You're just a really cool dude with long hair!"

"Later Bert, stay black, bro!"

"Hot European Sex!"

"Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. [Points to Frommer's guidebook] Oh, here's a fun fact! [Jamie looks up, interested] You made out with your sister, man! [Jamie lunges at Cooper]"

"So, what's the etiquette on boners? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?"

"Ha, ha, look at Jamie's penis!"

"I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!"

"This isn't where I parked my car."

"[Repeated line] I'm never drinking again."