"Wilson Crockett: I just don't buy the idea that there are that many people out there crazy enough to spend their lives in prison for a few minutes on television."

"Official: We are met here in these extraordinary circumstances to join this man and this woman in holy wedlock. But, before we begin, let me voice a personal word of thanks to you, Rupert and to you, Rita, for choosing me to perform this prestigious ceremony. Because we are on prime time, I am going to discard my customary remarks in favor of a few personal reflections. When I was principal at Clifton High and these two were students, I had very little faith that Rupert here would amount to very much. But like his teachers and his fellow students, I underestimated this fine young man. Some say that this misjudgment is directly tied to my recent dismissal as head of the Clifton School System. But let me take this opportunity to set the record straight. Knowing that Rupert and Rita here were most certainly destined for a great career and a lifetime of happiness, I voluntarily stepped down. I would only here add my own wishes to those of millions of viewers for their continued health, wealth and boundless success. We'll be back to marry them in a minute, right after this word."

"Rita Keane: [to Pupkin] You call me up all junior and senior year. Night after night after night, right? And every time I'm wondering 'when is this guy going to stop talking and ask me out?' Well, now I know the answer. August twelfth, nineteen seventy-six. It only took you ten, eleven years to work up to it."

"[to Rita, about Marilyn Monroe] She wasn't a great actress, but she had a real gift for comedy. She died tragically, you know, alone, like so many of the world's most beautiful women. I'm going to see that doesn't happen to you, Rita."

"[to Jerry] Jesus, they certainly don't give you very good protection, do they? Look at you here. Who the hell is watching you? Any one of these freaks could just walk right up to you and do whatever he wants."

"[to Langford] I've got so much to tell you I just don't know what to begin with. Are you okay? [Langford mumbles, as he is bound and gagged] Good. Tell me if you're not. I guess you're wondering why I do stuff like this. I think it's because I'm a Leo, but my shrink says I'm pathologically rebellious and self-destructive. You don't think I'm self-destructive, do you? [Langford mumbles again] I knew you wouldn't. That's 'cause you're the only person in the world who really understands me."

"[to Pupkin, about Langford] All of a sudden, with a gun on him, he wants to make up and be friends. And, once he's out the door, what happens then?"

"A lot of you are probably wondering why Jerry couldn't make it this evening. Well, he's tied up, and I'm the one who tied him. [laughter] You think I'm joking, but that's the only way I could break into show business—by hijacking Jerry Langford. [laughter] I'm not kidding. Right now, Jerry Langford is strapped to a bedstead somewhere in the middle of this city. [laughter] Go ahead. Laugh. But the fact is . . . I'm here. Tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding, and you'll think I was crazy. But I figured it this way: better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime!"

"Grand L. Bush - Prison inmate"

"O-Lan Jones - Mabel"

"Corey Everson - Mallory Knox in TV reconstruction"

"Dale Dye - Dale Wrigley"

"Louis Lombardi - Deputy "Sparky""

"Peter Crombie - Intense cop"

"Marshall Bell - Deputy"

"Everett Quinton - Deputy Wurlitzer"

"Joe Grifasi - Deputy Sheriff Duncan Homolka"

"Pruitt Taylor Vince - Deputy Warden Kavanaugh"

"Steven Wright - Dr. Emil Reingold"

"Kirk Baltz - Roger"

"Richard Lineback - Sonny"

"Balthazar Getty - Gas station attendant"

"Evan Handler - David"

"Lanny Flaherty - Earl"

"Russell Means - Warren Red Cloud, Sr. aka The Navajo Man"

"Sean Stone - Kevin Wilson"

"Edie McClurg - Mrs. Wilson"

"Rodney Dangerfield - Ed Wilson, Mallory’s father"

"Robert Downey, Jr. - Wayne Gale"

"Tommy Lee Jones - Warden Dwight McClusky"

"Tom Sizemore - Detective Jack Scagnetti"

"Juliette Lewis - Mallory Knox"

"Woody Harrelson - Mickey Knox"

"A bold new film that takes a look at a country seduced by fame, obsessed by crime and consumed by the media."

"In the media circus of life, they were the main attraction."

"The Media Made Them Superstars."

"Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?" And the snake answered, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake.""

"Dwight McClusky. Welcome to hell."

"In all my days in the penal system — and that ain't no small number of days, is it, boys? [guards shake their heads] Mickey and Mallory Knox are without a doubt the most twisted depraved pair of shitfucks it has ever been my displeasure to lay my god fucking damn eyes on. I tell you these two motherfuckers are a walking reminder of just how fucked up this system really is."

"You know, the only thing that kills the demon... is love."

"DeRay Davis - Ronnie"

"Niecy Nash - Jacuzzi"