"[reaction to Andrew ordering tap water instead of beer] I don't believe this. A man of your legendary prowess drinking fucking...rain! It's like seeing a lion eating some hummus!"

"[repeated line] They call me The King."

"How can you tell if you're drunk if you're never sober?"

"[Facing an army of blanks] (Tearing open his Shirt like the Hulk) UUUGHGH!!! I FUCKING HATE THIS TOWN!"

"Alexander Conti - Kenneth Murtaugh"

"Courtney Fitzpatrick - Lisa Murtaugh"

"Madison Fitzpatrick - Robin Murtaugh"

"Eugene Levy - Jimmy Murtaugh"

"Carmen Electra - Sarina Murtaugh"

"Shawn Roberts - Calvin Murtaugh"

"Shane Kinsman - Kyle Baker (the maternal uncle of Tom McNulty)"

"Morgan York - Kim Baker (the maternal aunt of Tom McNulty)"

"Blake Woodruff - Mike Baker (the maternal uncle of Tom McNulty)"

"Robbie Amell - Daniel Murtaugh"

"Brent Kinsman - Nigel Baker (the maternal uncle of Tom McNulty)"

"Alyson Stoner - Sarah Baker (the maternal aunt of Tom McNulty)"

"Jacob Smith - Jake Baker (the maternal uncle of Tom McNulty)"

"Hilary Duff - Lorraine Baker (the maternal aunt of Tom McNulty)"

"Kevin G. Schmidt - Henry Baker (the maternal uncle of Tom McNulty)"

"Forrest Landis - Mark Baker (the maternal uncle of Tom McNulty)"

"Melanie Tonello - Becky Murtaugh"

"Tom Welling - Charlie Baker (the maternal uncle of Tom McNulty)"

"Liliana Mumy - Jessica Baker (the maternal aunt of Tom McNulty)"

"Jaime King - Anne Murtaugh"

"Same Big Family... Even Bigger Adventure."

"Steve Martin - Tom Baker (the maternal grandfather of Tom McNulty)"

"Bonnie Hunt - Kate Baker (the maternal grandmother of Tom McNulty)"

"This Christmas, you better watch out!"

"Piper Perabo - Nora Baker-McNulty (the mother of Tom McNulty)"

"Jonathan Bennett - Bud McNulty (the father of Tom McNulty)"

"Taylor Lautner - Eliot Murtaugh"

"Jack Polick - Funeral Worker"

"Marilynn Allain - Receptionist"

"Spike Jonze - Gloria"

"Catherine Keener - Ellie Zisman"

"Jill Kill - Pageant Reporter"

"Madison Davis - Juggalo Girl"

"George Faughnan - Juggalo Guy"

"Grasie Mercedes - Hostess"

"Kamber Hejlik - Doctor"

"Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference."

"I love chocolate! He's harder than a horseshoe!"

"[To moving truck crew after they helped load his grandmother's corpse into his grandpa's trunk] Thanks for the crime!"

"You are hotter than a Puerto Rican picnic."

"[Upon hearing his wife had died] Oh. I thought she'd *never* die!"

"[To a fast-food outlet employee] We need some chickens and a big side of poontang! [Laughs]"

"Jackson Nicoll - Billy"

"[After Irving defecates on the restaurant wall] EW, GRANDPA, YOU SHARTED !"

"[To Billy at the diner] I think all this bacon is getting to Grandpa. [Farts]"