"Since you've insisted on me staying, you should know I intend to do my job by the book which means we don't run errands, we don't make snacks and we don't check our guns at the door. Now if you don't like any of this, I suggest you call Washington and get yourself a new man."

"The President is coming to Somersville. Will you have the cars and the machine guns ready in about an hour?"

"You should get a date, you should have a martini, you should drive with the top down, you should better yet give a tired old widow a break."

"Do I still have any influence in that evil little town or have they forgotten all about me?"

"Hey, that's a pretty nice car, man. Better get it back to the circus before they find out it's gone."

"James Lally — Joe Spector"

"[waiting on date to arrive] Man, hurry up, bitch. I got lots of shit to do. Shit. If that bitch doesn't hurry up and get here, I'll have to wait some more."

"Shit, man. I'm gonna be late for work again. That's the fifth time this week, and it's only Tuesday, man."

"Harry J. Lennix — Kenny Young"

"Susan Blommaert — Kimberly Cannon"

"Ellen Barkin (uncredited) - Guitar-playing woman"

"David Nelson - a Roxy Theatre doorman"

"Kurt Kaufman - a Roxy Theatre doorman"

"Rodney Bingenheimer - Himself"

"Edie Adams - Tempest Stoner"

"Stacy Keach - Sergeant Stedenko"

"Tom Skerritt - Strawberry"

"Tommy Chong - Anthony "Man" Stoner"

"Strother Martin - Arnold Stoner"

"It will make you feel VERY funny!"

"Don't miss the only film where the heroes get wiped out in the first five minutes!"

"You'll be rolling in the aisles!"

"DON'T go straight to see this film!"

"Cheech Marin - Pedro De Pacas"

"John Krasinski – Caddy / Judge's assistant"

"J. J. Johnston – Stationmaster"

"Jonathan Katz – Howie Gold"

"Laura Silverman – Secretary"

"Michael Bradshaw – Town Priest"

"Charles Durning – Mayor George Bailey"

"Lionel Mark Smith – Bill Smith"

"Clark Gregg – Doug Mackenzie"

"Patti LuPone – Sherry Bailey"

"Ricky Jay – Jack"

"Julia Stiles - Carla"

"Michael Higgins – Doc Wilson"

"Philip Seymour Hoffman - Joseph Turner White"

"William H. Macy - Walt Price"

"Alec Baldwin - Bob Barrenger"

"David Paymer - Marty Rossen"

"I don't know what her problem is. She takes off her shirt to do a voice-over. What's her problem? The country could draw her tits from memory."

"I'm going to rip your heart out, then I'm going to piss on your lungs through the hole in your chest! And the best to Marian..."

"If your memory was as long as your dick, you'd be in good shape."

"Well, I'm gonna solve it here or this bimbo you sent me is gonna be doing a donkey act on public access television. Her tits her tits her tits her tits. That she signed in her contract! We hired her because of 10 years at the Actors Studio, the way she played Medea? Her last two pictures lay there on the screen like my first wife."

"Sarah Jessica Parker - Claire Wellesly"

"It's not a lie. It's a gift for fiction."

"Who designed these costumes? It looks like Edith Head puked, and that puke designed these costumes."