"The only way to catch a doper is when you yourself become a smoker. The surest way to make them bleed is when you bust their ass and steal their weed."

"You know we cannot trust our own instincts, now I want you send this down to the analyzer and have it labbed. I'll take care of it."

"Yeah, real funny, man... so funny I forgot to laugh..."

"[talking to his plants] Ooh, Oaxaca. Ooh, sensi. How are you, my darling? Oh, God, your buds are getting so big. I have to get you a training bra. You got some lint in your belly button there. There you go. All right. Okay, you guys, be cool."

"[talking to a lizard] You... have beautiful eyes. Yes you do..."

"Would you like to have a hamburger?"

"You're the guy from the hamburger train, right? Yeah, the hambur- [sniffs]"

"The story of two enterprising young men who make an amazing amount of money selling ice cream."

"The High Life Never Tasted So Good!"

"Cheech Marin - Cheech"

"Jonnie Barnett as Cop Driver"

"Faith Minton as female bouncer"

"Bob McClurg as Chicken Charlie"

"Rita Wilson as Actress wannabe"

"Phil Hartman as Chick Hazard - Private Eye"

"Shelby Chong as Beautiful girl"

"Edie McClurg as Gloria's mom"

"Rikki Marin as Gloria"

"Missy Cleveland as Massage girl"

"Tommy Chong as Chong "Man""

"Evelyn Guerrero as Donna"

"Paul Reubens as Desk clerk and Pee-wee Herman"

"Cheech Marin as Cheech and Dwayne "Red" Mendoza"

"[waiting on date to arrive] Man, hurry up, bitch. I got lots of shit to do. Shit. If that bitch doesn't hurry up and get here, I'll have to wait some more."

"Shit, man. I'm gonna be late for work again. That's the fifth time this week, and it's only Tuesday, man."

"Hey, that's a pretty nice car, man. Better get it back to the circus before they find out it's gone."

"Betty Kennedy as Candy"

"Sy Kramer as Mr. Neatnik"

"[to a girl on the phone] You wanna come over to my place? Okay, I'll be here with balls on."

"Somebody ripped off the thing I ripped off!"

"Holy sheep shit! It's guitar heaven!"

"Man, if you had a second brain, it would die of loneliness, man."

"[singing] Mexican Americans / love education / so they go to night school / and take Spanish / and get a B."

"Kim Hopkins as Wardrobe girl"

"James Lally — Joe Spector"

"Harry J. Lennix — Kenny Young"

"Susan Blommaert — Kimberly Cannon"

"David Graf — Lee Danielson"

"James Rebhorn — Howard Schaeffer"

"Richard Griffiths — Frederick"

"Dale Dye — Charles Ivy"

"John Roselius — Tom Bahlor"

"Shirley MacLaine — Tess Carlisle"