"[Regarding the first SPAT meeting] I'll tell you one thing. Men are bastards. After about ten minutes I wanted to cut my own penis off with a kitchen knife."

"[voiceover] She couldn't stay at my place, and she didn't have a DVD, or satellite or cable. So we were always stuck watching some crap made-for-TV movie about a kid with leukemia. I was going to have to end it. But having been Will the Good Guy I didn't relish going back to my role of Will the Unreliable, Emotionally-stunted Arsehole."

"In my opinion, all men are islands. And what's more, now's the time to be one. This is an island age."

"[Thinking] I used to think two wasn't enough. Now there were loads of people... I don't know what Will was so upset about. All I meant was I don't think couples are the future. You need more than that. You need backup. The way I saw it, Will and I both had backup now. It's like that thing he told me Jon Bon Jovi said: "No man is an island.""

"You're right. You can't help me. How could you? You're a stupid person who watches TV all day and buys things. You don't give a shit about anybody, and nobody gives a shit about you!"

"He fancies you. He told me."

"I wanna be with her more, I wanna be with her all the time, and I wanna tell her things I don't even tell you or mum. And I don't want her to have another boyfriend. I suppose if I could have all those things, I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not."

"Suddenly I realized – two people isn't enough. You need backup. If there are only two people, and someone drops off the edge, then you're on your own. Two isn't a large enough number. You need three at least."

"Fiona: [to Will] You're a selfish bastard."

"[After being asked to be Imogene's godfather] I couldn't possibly think of a worse godfather for Imogene. You know me, I'll drop her at her christening. I'll forget her birthdays until her 18th, when I'll take her out and get her drunk and possibly, let's face it, you know, try and shag her."

"Fiona: [to Marcus] When you sing, it brings sunshine and happiness into my heart."

"Lindsey's Mum: 'Sheikh Yur Az' [Shake your ass]... is he Moroccan?"

"Lindsey's Mum: Are we having duck? Delicious!"

"Ellie: [to Marcus] What did you just say to me? You heard me, squitty little shitty snot-nosed bastard!"

"Hugh Grant – Will"

"Nicholas Hoult – Marcus"

"Toni Collette – Fiona"

"Rachel Weisz – Rachel"

"[Thinking] Every man is an island. And I stand by that. But clearly, some men are part of island chains. Below the surface of the ocean they're actually connected."

"So there I was, killing them softly with my song. Or rather, being killed. And not that softly, either. I was singing with my eyes closed. Was I frightened? I was petrified."

"The crying in the morning thing, the depression. Let's get that fixed."

"My life is made up of units of time. Buying CDs – two units. Eating lunch – three units. Exercising – two units. All in all, I had a very full life. It's just that it didn't mean anything."

"Once you open your door to one person anyone can come in."

"No, Marcus, I do not want to come over for Christmas. I do not want to spend Christmas with Ms. Granola Suicide and her spawn."

"I'm a bloody island! I'm bloody Ibiza!"

"[In the supermarket, his father's song begins to play] Shit! It can't be. November-the-sodding-19. Six weeks before Christmas and already they were playing the bloody thing."

"Me, I didn't mean anything. About anything, to anyone. I knew that guaranteed me a long, depression-free life."

"I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully dishevelled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up, and I often wonder, to be absolutely honest, if I'd ever have time for a job; how do people cram them in?"

"The thing is, a person's life is like a TV show. I was the star of The Will Show. And The Will Show wasn't an ensemble drama. Guests came and went, but I was the regular. It came down to me, and me alone. If Marcus' mum couldn't manage her own show if her ratings were falling, it was sad, but that was her problem. Ultimately, the whole single-mum plot line was a bit complicated for me."

"I think I killed a duck."