"[Ending her ghost talk show] I want to thank you all ghosties out there for all your support over the years, but this is my last show. I've spent so much time talking to the dead, it's time I started living. I want to make memories with people I love, rather than be haunted by them later."

"I want you out of my life!"

"Ghosts aren't real. Only gullible people believe that kind of crap."

"I can't believe I'm doing this. Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!"

"I need you to help me save my daughter. But how do I know that you're gonna keep your word?"

"When you're all on your third kid and second divorce, we'll see who gets the last laugh."

"You're a figment of my imagination."

"[first lines] Come on in, if you dare. The living. The dead. Can they co-exist? That's what we're here to find out."

"[Last lines] I just had the weirdest dream."

"Confronting the unknown, conquering your fears, there's nothing harder."

"I think it was Dostoevsky that said..."Later, fucker!""

"Hey, I'm into some freaky shit myself. But even I have my limitations."

"Should've got married in Vegas."

"When I was a teenager, a trickster demon terrorized my entire family and tried to force me to marry him, in order to come back to the real world for good. I believed he was gone forever, and then lately, I have been seeing him again. And now, he is actually back. And I don't know why, or how, or what to do."

"My ex-wife is back."

"We'd like to thank you all for coming to this very special occasion, but right now, I would like a little privacy."

"Guilty as charged."

"What the (bleep)?"

"Really more nightmare material."

"If you say his name three times, he will appear."

"You know, Bob, long distance relationships can be difficult, especially when one of you is dead and the other is ignoring you for thirty years. But Lydia and I, we have definite psychic connection, and I'll tell you something, she definitely saw me that last time. I felt a little tingle."

"Spill your guts. Who wants to go first? Alright, I will. [opens his shirt and his guts spill out like eels] See? I'm willing to do the work."

"First of all, I want you two kids know, this is a safe space, okay? Feel free to express yourself. Don't be afraid. I sense an enabler here, but we'll get to that."

"I've never seen that chick before in my life or afterlife."

"Really? Is this a figment of your imagination?"

"I swear on my dead mother's soul."

"Bob, you and the boys stand guard. Nobody gets through."

"Don't ever say that name!"

"I'm needed upstairs. Bob, hold down the fort."

"Filipe Cates — Vlad"

"Arthur Conti — Jeremy"

"— Afterlife Janitor"

"Willem Dafoe — Wolf Jackson"

"You're that thing from my dream!"

"— Father Damien"

"The juice is loose."

"Home! Home! Home!"

"Steve-O as Self"

"If they do trust us to go the bathroom today, they're pretty... they're pretty less intelligent than I thought."

"Johnny Knoxville as Self/Irving Zisman"

"Chris Pontius as Self"

"I'm kinda embarrassed right now. Like, I came out of his penis. Hood card taken away."

"This is so fucked up! I knew this was gonna fucking happen! Why the fuck did we go down to the basement?"

"I feel that shit man! That mothafucka tryna hurt me man!"

"You look scareder than me and this is yo shit!"

"Now it's time for some hot shit water skiing! Grom!"

"Dave England as Self"