I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

"John Finnemore: "Hull Trains - Oh, doesn't every city have its own trains? Oh, I'm sorry. We do.""

"Miles Jupp: "The Wild Bean Café - You have literally no other option!""

"Barry Cryer: "Tesco ready meals - Horses for courses!""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Vodafone - Mos...ubbish...obile...hone...cept...in...country.""

"Barry Cryer: "Durex - In your wallet for years.""

"John Finnemore: "Fray Bentos - Don't ask, don't tell.""

"Barry Cryer: Wetherspoons - When you just have to get pissed at 7.00am.""

"Caroline Quentin: "Specsavers - Because we saw you coming.""

"Rachel Parris: "Why do you build me up, buttercup baby, just to let me down...?""

"Miles Jupp: "McDonald's - We have toilets!""

"John Finnemore: "Ryanair - You knew what you were getting into!""

"Barry Cryer: "The Noise Abatement Society - ...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Southern or Northern Rail - We're not happy 'til you're not happy.""

"Barry Cryer: "The Milk Marketing Board - A glass of milk... in every glass.""

"Miles Jupp: "Disneyland - Because if you don't take them, they will never shut up!""

"John Finnemore: "Yellow Pages - In case the internet stops existing.""

"Jack Dee: "Without permission, stupid Jake went skating on a frozen lake...""

"Jack Dee: "A wicked habit of young Bill's, was rifling through his father's pills...""

"Jack Dee: "Young James thought it would be a lark, to ride upon a great white shark...""

"Jack Dee: "Despite the warnings, naughty Mya climbed right inside the tumble dryer...""

"Jack Dee: "Poor Mrs. Wilhelmina Binns was knackered giving birth to quins...""

"Jack Dee: "A stubborn boy whose name was Norm, flew his kite in a lightning storm...""

"Jack Dee: "A dreadful habit of young Mart's was lighting his and others' farts...""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Andrex - Shit happens.""

"Jack Dee: "'Do not put', his mum told Ted, 'that plastic bag upon your head'...""

"Jack Dee: "'I think I shall try six', said Fred, 'electric blankets on my bed'...""

"Jack Dee: "Despite the warnings, naughty Sue would feed the monkeys in the zoo...""

"Jack Dee: "'I see dead people!' claimed young Cole, which made his mother drop her bowl...""

"Jack Dee: "Young Nigel earned a stern reproof for doing cartwheels on the roof...""

"Jack Dee: "The infant Mike had such bad genes, he lived on top shelf magazines...""

"Jack Dee: "With stick in hand, naughty Denise approached a peaceful swarm of bees...""

"Jack Dee: "One day a small girl called Sophia climbed right inside the tumble dryer...""

"Jack Dee: "Though often warned, a boy called Rex still tampered with electric flex...""

"Jack Dee: "In spite of warnings, little Stu would taunt the lions in the zoo...""

"Gary Delaney: "Next on BBC Two, Dara Ó Briain is back as the host of the quickfire topical panel show for Chinese cannibals who eat the shy. It's Wok the Meek. ...if you could hear the footsteps going all round the houses to get to that one!""

"Tony Hawks: "A fantasy epic on BBC now, with a tale spanning multiple worlds, in which a threatening godlike figure suffers several bouts of sexually transmitted infections. That's His Dark Venereals on BBC Three.""

"Jack Dee: "Belinda made her parents vexed for all she ever did was text...""

"Jack Dee: "A naughty little lad called Dave would hide inside the microwave...""

"Jack Dee: "Daisy Pugh and husband Gus, spiced up their sex life on the bus...""

"John Finnemore: "Prosecco - For those special occasions that aren't that special.""

"Marcus Brigstocke: "Well look-a-bel', look-a-bel', look-a-bel', look-a-bel', oooh-wee...""

"Tony Hawks: "Coming up next on BBC One, the crime drama set on a well-known Scottish archipelago, now sadly polluted by sewage discharge. That's Shitland, tonight at nine.""

"Stephen Fry: "Meanwhile on BBC One, Charlie Dimmock takes command of a squad of Coldstream Guards as they completely returf an entire rugby pitch in time for their crunch match against the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders. That's Sod This for a Game of Soldiers.""

"Gary Delaney: "Coming up next, it's the crossover you never knew you needed - Ocean's Eleven meets Radio 4, but controversy strikes as the charismatic lead is replaced by Jack Dee in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clooney.""

"Stephen Fry: "And talking of piers, Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins visit Oxford to examine the Reverend Spooner's passion for the repair and maintenance of the city's traditional watercraft. That's Care of Punts, coming soon.""

"Pippa Evans: "Richard Hammond travels round Britain to celebrate our seaside towns. That's Top Pier.""

"Miles Jupp: "Coming up this evening, Ben Fogle takes his fossil hammer to Dorset's Jurassic coast on a hunt for the perfect ammonite. That's Cracking One Out with Ben Fogle, later this evening.""

"Rory Bremner: "Later on Radio 4, a new series in which Kirsty Lang travels to each region of the UK in an attempt to find the country's finest sperm bank. That's Round Britain Jizz, this Friday at 11.30.""

"Tim Brooke-Taylor: "After the break, Ben Fogle travels to Australia to discover if there's any truth at all in the legend of the twenty foot crocodile roaming Darwin's sewers. That's Ben Fogle and the Giant Croc of Shit, after the break.""

"Stephen Fry: "Later on Radio 4 we explore a prominent psychologist's take on the phallic nature of London's tallest building. That's Shard and Freud, later on Radio 4.""