"Time Machine Narrator: ...First to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world! ... But then an even greater force emerged: The un! [sic; United Nations] And the un un-nazied the world! Forever!"

"Costco Greeter: Welcome to Costco, I love you... Welcome to Costco, I love you..."

"Maya Rudolph — Rita"

"Dr. Lexus: Right... kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothing, but uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Uh, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know... ha ha, you know what I mean? Like... haha."

"Extra Big Ass Fries!"

"Formica Davis: Well, it started off boring and slow, with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: '"Blah blah blah. You've got to believe me!"' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, '"Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that."' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation."

"Carl's Jr. Computer: Welcome to Carl's Jr. Would you like to try our EXTRA BIG ASS TACO? Now with more MOLECULES!"

"[the "Fuddruckers" company's name has changed over the years] Buttfuckers"

"Dax Shepard — Frito Pendejo"

"If you don't smoke Tarrlytons... Fuck you!"

"Carl's Jr: Fuck you! I'm eating."

"Various: I like money."

"But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner city slang, and various grunts."

"Joe was about to learn, that in the future, justice was not only blind, but had become rather retarded as well."

"Dwayne Elizondo Camacho …Five-time Ultimate Smackdown champion …Porn superstar …And president of the United States."

"Now, since you all say you ain't got no money, we have "proprietarily" obtained for you one of them court-appointed lawyers, so put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo!"

"Come on, scro! Don't be a pussy! Besides, you do a kick-ass job and you get a full pardon."

"Now I understand everyone's shit is emotional right now."

"Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water virtually everywhere."

"Terry Crews — President Camacho"

"I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here. We gonna see if we can come up with a verdict up in here!"

"I'll base your ass on my fist! In your face, ass! Shut up!"

"So you're smart, huh? I thought your head would be bigger. Looks like a peanut!"

"Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. Chill out."

"What's the minus of 30 and 20?"

"Shit. I know shit's bad right now. With all that starving bullshit. And the dust storms. And we're running out of French Fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution."

"If I had some money and a room at the White House, I'd be like, "It's mine, all night!""

"After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason, and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants and that they wanted water."

"You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb-shits? Now you know why he built that bomb."

"That's good, cause I charge by the hour."

"I like money."

"Man! Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!!"

"Do you really want to live in a world where you’re trying to blow up the one person who is trying to help you?"

"Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho."

"Go away! 'Batin'!"

"People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories, so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting."

"I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help."

"They're watering crops with a sports drink?"

"I like having sex with chicks."

"Brendan Hill — Secretary of Energy"

"You know things are bad when they're coming to me for answers."

"There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine."

"Elizabeth Coffey - Earnestine"

"Channing Wilroy - the prosecutor"

"George Figgs - Dribbles"

"Susan Lowe - Vikki"

"Cookie Mueller - Concetta"