"[In voiceover, remembering Master Monk parable while watching Kar fighting Funktastic goons] He will defeat an army of enemies while a flock of cranes circles above. [Aloud] Impossible. Besides, he's going to lose."

"It's not about anger; it's about peace. It's not about power; it's about grace. It's not about knowing your enemy; it's about knowing yourself."

"The Scroll of the Ultimate. Whoever reads its words out loud in their entirety will gain the power to control the world and turn it into a paradise or a living hell. Mankind is not ready for so much power and may never be. That is why it is our duty to protect the scroll from being read by anyone, including ourselves. Five times the Year of the Ram has passed since I became the next from my honored predecessor, and his master before him, and so on, and so on. I have been protecting the scroll for 60 years. Now it is your turn. It is done. The next 60 years should be very interesting for you."

"Of my destiny and the beginning of yours. When you first came to me, you were the most undisciplined youth I had ever laid eyes on. And yet you proved yourself worthy to be the next guardian. You have fulfilled the three noble prophesies. You defeated an army of enemies while a flock of crane circled above. You battled for love in the palace of jade. You freed brothers you never knew with a family you never had. Now you must make the final sacrifice."

"[To Monk With No Name after getting shot by Waffen-SS] The scroll. You must protect scroll."

"[Walks up to row of Tibetan monks] My brother monks, you have seen the destructive power which is mine to command. I also have the power to leave this blessed monastery in peace. I trust you will do what's best for all of us and step aside. No? [All monks are executed]"

"[In torture chamber with Tibetan monks] My brother monks, when I finally get my hands on your brother with no name, he will, of course, resist my efforts to secure the location of the scroll. But with this machine, I'll torture the information I need out of him. And now for a little test."

"Did you really think I was going to share ultimate power with you?"

"Funktastic's the name and profit's the game. See, I'm a businessman. And my fiscal policy toward crime consists of two words, zero tolerance. Unless, of course, the criminal in question has an officially authorized franchise. And you ain't got one."

"Being hooked on the game could cost you your life."

"Sometimes you get a second shot... Make it."

"Peter Dobson as Cory"

"Michael Rosenbaum as Danny"

"Some people get all the breaks. Others just get broken."

"Chazz Palminteri as Joe"

"Women... can't even live with them anymore."

"Rick Schroder as Brad"

"[In the diner] Did you guys know, that the average penis size is 6.4 inches? And that the average vaginal canal is 7.9 inches.Therefore, in this country alone, there's over 17,000 miles of unused, virgin pussy out there."

"Never go swimming. You'll drown."

"Rod Steiger as Nick"

"Mars Callahan as Johnny"

"This one's for all the marbles, boys."

"I'm gonna leave you with nothing."

"You beat them, you take their money, you call them names to their faces... and they love you. I don't know how you do it. I never saw anything like it. Beating a man out of his money, that's easy. Anybody can do that. But beating a man out of his money and making him like it... that's an art. That's an art of a true hustler."

"I'm gonna step outside and get some smog."

"I'm not sure I wanna be hanging out with a guy who noticed a crease in my pants."

"Yes, take that you motherless motherfuckers!"

"Alison Eastwood as Tara"

"I am not gay!"

"Phillip Glasser as Max"

"Anson Mount as Chris"

"Peter Mark Richman as Phillip"

"Christopher Walken as Mike"

"Ben Miller — Colonel Lancaster"

"Jessica Hynes — Miss Kitts"

"Sanjeev Bhaskar — Dr. Jafri"

"Noah Taylor — Phibs"

"Aaron Neil — Spoon"

"Robbie Gee — Mr. Barnes"

"Richard Portnow as Toupee Jay"

"[Voiceover] The poolhall's a great equalizer. In the poolhall, nobody cares how old you are, how young you are, what color your skin is or how much money you've got in your pocket... It's about how you move. And I remember this kid once who could move around a pool table like nobody had ever seen. I mean, hour after hour, rack after rack, his shots just went in. The cue was part of his arm and the balls had eyes. And the thing that made him so good was... He thought he could never miss. I know, 'cause that kid was me."

"Ernie Reyes Jr. as Tang"

"Shannon Engemann as Beth"

"Hey Moose, I was watching TV with your wife last night. Stupid bitch took her two hours to watch 60 Minutes."