"Enough with all this fortune-cookie philosophy, okay? This is America. We don't have enlightenment here. We have Big Macs, strip clubs, shopping malls, Las Vegas and HBO! You got it?"

"The problem with being my age is everybody thinks you're a father figure but you're really just the same asshole you always were."

"Jason Robards as Graham Keighley"

"Seann William Scott as Kar"

"Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't you?"

"Russell Yuen as Brother Tenzin"

"Well, you're in management now. If everybody loved you, you'd be doing something wrong."

"[Reading in a dictionary] Deadline: A date or time before which something must be done."

"Don't mess with the monk"

"Kishaya Dudley as DV"

"Mako as Mr. Kojima"

"I don't like monkeys."

"Roger Yuan as Master Monk"

"[In torture chamber with Tibetan monks] My brother monks, when I finally get my hands on your brother with no name, he will, of course, resist my efforts to secure the location of the scroll. But with this machine, I'll torture the information I need out of him. And now for a little test."

"Did you really think I was going to share ultimate power with you?"

"Funktastic's the name and profit's the game. See, I'm a businessman. And my fiscal policy toward crime consists of two words, zero tolerance. Unless, of course, the criminal in question has an officially authorized franchise. And you ain't got one."

"Chris Collins as Sax"

"Rob Archer as Buzz"

"Sean Bell as Diesel"

"Roma Maffia as Carmen"

"You may be my granddaughter. But that will only protect you for so long."

"[Kicks Kar off Jade when fighting] That's my bird."

"And I am through taking your messages. My name is Kokijima. Not Sony, Sanyo, Toshiba."

"A behind the lines look at work, marriage and other forms of combat..."

"Of my destiny and the beginning of yours. When you first came to me, you were the most undisciplined youth I had ever laid eyes on. And yet you proved yourself worthy to be the next guardian. You have fulfilled the three noble prophesies. You defeated an army of enemies while a flock of crane circled above. You battled for love in the palace of jade. You freed brothers you never knew with a family you never had. Now you must make the final sacrifice."

"[Of Kar] For some reason, I believe he has potential."

"The Scroll of the Ultimate. Whoever reads its words out loud in their entirety will gain the power to control the world and turn it into a paradise or a living hell. Mankind is not ready for so much power and may never be. That is why it is our duty to protect the scroll from being read by anyone, including ourselves. Five times the Year of the Ram has passed since I became the next from my honored predecessor, and his master before him, and so on, and so on. I have been protecting the scroll for 60 years. Now it is your turn. It is done. The next 60 years should be very interesting for you."

"An enlightened man would offer a weary traveler a bed for the night, and invite him to share a quiet conversation over a bowl of Cocoa Puffs."

"It's not about anger; it's about peace. It's not about power; it's about grace. It's not about knowing your enemy; it's about knowing yourself."

"Water which is too pure has no fish."

"[To Monk With No Name after getting shot by Waffen-SS] The scroll. You must protect scroll."

"[Calls for a non responding Mr. Kojima] Well, my boss doesn't seem to be here. Which means you don't get to watch me get yelled at."

"Man, if I knew I was gonna pay, I wouldn't have cabbed it."

"[Closing eyes of deceased Master Monk] Enjoy your vacation, Master."

"[In voiceover, remembering Master Monk parable while watching Kar fighting Funktastic goons] He will defeat an army of enemies while a flock of cranes circles above. [Aloud] Impossible. Besides, he's going to lose."

"So, I figured it out. Why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight. See, the thing is, life doesn't always work out according to plan. So be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog."

"[Walks up to row of Tibetan monks] My brother monks, you have seen the destructive power which is mine to command. I also have the power to leave this blessed monastery in peace. I trust you will do what's best for all of us and step aside. No? [All monks are executed]"

"Catherine O'Hara as Susan"

"To fulfill the prophecy, he must find the one to take his place."

"Jack Kehoe as Phil"

"Lynne Thigpen as Janet"

"Monk, you may be good, but you are not bulletproof."

"Ladies and gentlemen. As the newly-appointed executive director of the Human Rights Organization, I would like to welcome you all here today. Please, pardon our appearance. As you can see, we're still under construction. But we wanted you, our most generous supporters, to have a preview of our new exhibit. You see, out of the rubble that was Europe at the end of World War II, men and women of good will, people like yourselves, decided to build an organization dedicated to the prevention of human rights abuses all around the Earth. And today I am here to tell you we failed. Thanks to all of you and many others like you, we are able to continue this fight. This fight against hate, violence, oppression, and cruelty in all its forms."

"Mauricio Rodas as Wicho"

"Jason Alexander as Marion Sandusky"

"I've bought the goddamn chair! Now it's your problem, Henry!"

"Don't ask marital advice from a guy with two ex-wives and a daughter who won't speak to me."

"If we get art on the two kids at the walk of shame, it's "Gotcha!"."

"[A very pregnant Martha struggles in the morning] Bladder control, you don't miss it until it's gone."