"The thing is, Monkey, you'd change if you could, but you can't, and even if you could, you really shouldn't. And stop being such a fuckin' pussy about your curtains."

"Throw it all out into the universe, baby!"

"You're a fag, baby!"

"My father used to shirk his parental responsibilities by saying that life was an illusion; karma was also a convenient excuse for foul-ups. In my mind echos: "Sorry I sold your baseball cards, Monkey, but it's your karma, and life is just an illusion anyway, boy.""

"As a child I always felt responsible for my mom. Dad would be gone. She'd be alone for months, sometimes years, and eventually dad would come home. And I'd be okay. And everything would be all right. 'Cause mom would be saved."

"John Cleese:"

"Graham Chapman:"

"Michael Palin:"

"Terry Jones:"

"Eric Idle:"

"Terry Gilliam:"

"Ursula Reit - Mrs. Gloop"

"Gunter Meisner - Arthur Slugworth, turned Mr. Wilkinson"

"[sings] If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world... there's nothing to it."

"[sings] There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free, if you truly wish to be."

"[sings] A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men."

"If the good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates."

"[in the tunnel] There's no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going. There's no knowing where we're rowing, or which way the river's flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing? BLAH! Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. Are the fires of hell a-glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing?! YES! The danger must be growing, for the rowers keep on rowing... And they're certainly not showing... ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING!!!"

"[singing] Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompadee dee. If you are wise, you'll listen to me. What do you get when you guzzle down sweets? Eating as much as an elephant eats. What are you at getting terribly fat? What do you think will come of that? I don't like the look of it!"

"Oompa loompa doompadee dah. If you're not greedy, you will go far. You will live in happiness too, Like the oompa loompa doompadee do! Doompadee doo!"

"Michael Bollner - Augustus Gloop"

"[singing] Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompadah dee. If you are wise, you'll listen to me. Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while. It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile. But it's repulsive, revolting wrong Chewing and chewing all day long... The way that a cow does!"

"Oompa loompa doompadee dah. Given good manners, you will go far. You will live in happiness too, Like the oompa loompa doompadee do!"

"Nora Denney - Mrs. Teevee"

"[singing] Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompadee dee. If you are wise, you'll listen to me. Who do you blame when your kid is a brat, Pampered and spoilt like a Siamese cat? Blaming the kids is a lie and shame. You know exactly who's to blame! The mother and the father!"

"Oompa loompa doompadee dah. If you're not spoilt, then you will go far. You will live in happiness too, Like the oompa loompa doompadee do!"

"[singing] Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doompadah dee. If you are wise, you'll listen to me. What do you get from a glut of TV? A pain in the neck and an IQ of three! Why doun't you try simply reading a book? Or can you just not bear to look? You'll get no... You'll get no... You'll get no... You'll get no... YOU'LL GET NO COMMERCIALS!"

"Oompa loompa doompadee dah. If you like reading, you will go far. You will live in happiness too, Like the Oompa Oompa loompa doompadee do!"

"And now, details on the sudden announcement that has captured the attention of entire world. Hidden among the countless billions of Wonka Bars are five gold tickets. And to the five people who find them will come the most fabulous prize one could wish for: a lifetime supply of chocolate. And as if this were not enough, each winner before he receives his prize will be personally escorted through the top secret chocolate factory by the mythical Willy Wonka himself. The amount of chocolate involved in this competition has relighted the imagination to incite candy eaters and all citizens around the world. Already, we have reports coming in that the response is phenomenal. Wonka Bars are beginning to disappear from candy store shelves at a rate to boggle the mind. Truly, it is incredible the way that Wonkamania has descended upon the globe. While the world searches, we watch and wait, wondering where the pursuit will lead, and how long the spirit of man will hold up under the strain."

"We begin with five Golden Tickets. Like five lucky bolts of lightning ready to strike without notice at any point on the map. No one knew where, no one knew when the first one would hit, but as you all know, last night we got our answer. While we in America slept, the first Golden Ticket was found in the small town of Duselheim, Germany. We've been waiting several hours for the follow-up story, and we're finally ready with a live report."

"Four down and one to go, and someplace out there, another lucky person is moving closer and closer to finding the last of the most sought-after prizes in history. Though we cannot help but envy him, whoever he is, and we might be tempted to be bitter in our losing, we must remember there are many more important things...many more important things. Offhand, I can't think of what they are, but I'm sure there must be something. And now for tomorrow's weather, and..."

"That's it!! THAT'S IT!! It's ALL over! The Wonka contest is all over! The fifth and final ticket has been found, and we've got a live report coming in directly, now, from Paraguay, South America!"

"Tinker: [quoting William Allingham's poem "The Fairies"] Up the airy mountain, and down the rushy glen/We dare not go hunting, for fear of little men. Nobody ever goes in. (pointing at Wonka's factory) And nobody ever comes out!"

"Computer Operator: Gentlemen, I know how anxious you've all been during these last few days, but now I think I can safely say that your time and money have been well-spent. We're about to witness the Greatest Miracle of the Machine Age. Based on the Revolutionary Computonian Law of Probability, this machine will tell us the precise location of the 3 remaining Golden Tickets. (pushes buttons on the machine; the machine prints a response) It says: "I won't tell! That would be cheating." (pushes the buttons on the machine again) I am now telling the computer that if it will tell me the correct answer, I will gladly share with it the grand prize. (the machine prints out another response) He says: "What would a computer do with a lifetime supply of chocolate?" (sighs, then pushes the buttons once again, angrily) I am now telling the computer EXACTLY what he can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate!!"

"Mr. Turkentine: I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest. Pencils ready!"

"It's everybody's non-pollutionary, anti-institutionary, pro-confectionery factory of fun!"

"It's Scrumdiddlyumptious!"

"Your golden ticket to imagination and adventure!"

"Charlie is let loose in the chocolate factory and every kid's dream comes true."

"Enter a world of pure imagination."

"Gene Wilder - Willy Wonka"

"Jack Albertson - Grandpa Joe"

"Peter Ostrum - Charlie Bucket"

"Roy Kinnear - Henry Salt"

"Pat Coombs - Mrs. Salt"

"Julie Dawn Cole - Veruca Salt"

"Leonard Stone - Sam Beauregarde"

"Denise Nickerson - Violet Beauregarde"

"Paris Themmen - Mike Teevee"

"It's Not Just A Game Anymore."